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updated: March 2006
A new batch of questions, and this time it took me 2 years to answer them. 2 motherfuckin years! Wow!, is that lazy.
Coach... you haven't written in two years now. That is lame. And therefore, you are lame. Dear head shaking blah blah blah The coach has had a lot on the go the last few years. I was called in front of the Senate subcommittee on the war in Iraq, and I told them, its going get hot, but they didn't listen. I learned Spanish, then forgot it. I also led an all poodle dog team to the south pole, then I left them there. And in conclusion, I taught a pony how to count to 10. So its been a busy couple of years making shit up. But as you can see, its been a wild ride.
your so dreamy.
Did you notice that there was no category for actual questions? I did. Lets assume this is a question, and that it poses the question of how did I get so dreamy? The answer is in truth very simple. Push ups.
I had a poop today I think you might be lying. I don't know why, but I just think that. I think you wish you had a poop today. Why would someone wish they had a poop and then lie about it? I have a theory. Because you haven't accomplished anything at all today. Probably because either you don't have a job, or you didn't go to work today. You possibly didn't go to work today because you are so hung over from last night's bender that you called in sick. Last night you were probably out at some shitty club and when you tried to order a pint from the bar they told you that the draft beer was out of order and you could only get beer in bottles. But you're no sucker. You know that when a bar forces you to buy bottled beer they usually they do it because their running a scam. They buy cases of beer from a liquor store with cash and then sell them for cash rather than order it through their liquor distributor, which is what they have to do with draft beer. They do this so that the beer never shows up on their inventory or books. Why would they do that? Because that way they don't have to pay any business income tax on the sales and the government can't find any record of it. What sorts of bars do this scam? Pretty much any bar too dumb to realize I will call the tax man on them. But anyway, the story goes on. There you were at this bar realizing that it was a rip off, so you went to the nearest liquor store, bought a mickey of whiskey, and snuck it back into the bar in the inside pocket of your nice winter coat. Then you ordered cokes all night which you dumped the whiskey into under the table. But like you always do with whiskey, you underestimated its strength. And today you are too hung over to move. I had a poop today.
Yar, Satisfactory! I must be working too hard. I better dial back the output. It seems that I am developing a bit of a following with 18th century pirates, or at least people who speak in some variation of 18th century pirate vernacular. Avast ye swabbies! Heave ho! And so on.
dear coach,
I think you know. But for arguments sake, lets say you don't. Babies come from 2 places. Poor planning or very cunning planning. Poor planning is obvious. Boy meets girl, boy gets girl drunk, girl is inexplicably impressed with his ability to play counting crows on his roommates acoustic guitar. Boy cleverly convinces girl that condoms are too unspontaneous and that their chemistry is too special to ignore. All this has to happen before anyone sobers up. The cunning planning variety involves a woman being so clever that she convinces a poor sucker that he is somehow lucky to have the chance to live under the same roof and spend his days and nights with the same woman. Unbelievable! Then she makes him think that he needs to go to "work" and earn money so he can "provide" for her and the tiny crying hungry little mouths that come out of her uterus. 18 years, 18 years, she got one of yo kids she got you for 18 years. I know somebody paying child support for one a his kids, his baby momma car an crib is bigger than his.
Coach, I'm having communication issues. No girls speak my language. No, i mean it.... they speak chinese. How can i go balls deep in her ass? with out looking like a over anxious browny hound? The predicament you find yourself in could have a couple of possible explanations, so I will stab at them blindly until I feel I have a suitable one. If the girls all around you only speak Chinese either you work in the kitchen of a Japanese or Italian restaurant, a nail salon, or you are a non chinese speaking resident of an Asian country. If I had to guess at which country I would guess Taiwan. I would also guess that if you are a white man in Taiwan, you are there because you have taken a job teaching english oversees. This answers a few other questions, like are you a flaky dilettante? Did you complete university and subsequently decide that Asia needed your particular skill set of talking about television? Do you intend on seeking self knowledge in another culture, and hey, if you're in the neighborhood coincidentally at around the same time and place, maybe check out a full moon party on Koh Phangan? If that is the case I suppose the best way to approach this is like a stylish foreigner. Probably the most stylish foreigner was foreigner lead singer Mick Jones. So my suggestion would be to find out how to sing I want to know what love is in Chinese. Then while you're singing it to them, find a way to make yourself good looking or at least average looking and exotic, try a moustache. On the plus side the women there won't understand most of the stuff you say either, so chances are they won't pick up on most of the signals that you are trying to get into their special orifice. In this case confusion and the element of surprise might be your best friends. I however do not endorse any of what I just said. If a chinese girl wants you to put it in her you know what, she will tell you. Ironically you won't know that is what she is telling you.
Coach, are you in the same league as Al Bundy? Dear not avril lavigne I would say that since Al Bundy and I are both fictional characters, that the answer is yes. However, I don't know what league you mean. If you mean the same bowling league, no. If you mean justice league, maybe. If you mean Human League, yes. Both me and Al Bundy are really into Human League. In fact my Human League fan blog just got its 100th hit, and its only been live since october 1998. Avril Lavigne, there's a name I haven't heard in a while. Too bad any one ever had to hear it in the first place.
Where the fuck is boozy malone?
Boozy Malone returned to all his friends on monster island where he will practice his moves until the world needs him again. If it does, he will return, borrow 20 bucks off you, take a sip of your drink by accident, spill ketchup on his jeans and pass out on your couch. Until that day, we wait.
hey man, I like breasts and really it seems like you could too...but honestly how big is too big? lemme know. I like breasts quite a bit actually. But they can get too big, usually when the person who makes the decision to keep increasing their breast size is completely fuckin bonkers. Now then, how big is too big? Much of this was covered extensively in my paperback book "Big Titties? Did you do the motorboat? You did! You motorboating son a bitch, you did! Bwreeebrbrbrbrbbr!"
hey ryan Dear tryin This person was attempting to bring attention back to ryans boogers, which was the coaches arch nemesis advice column on dontshakethebaby.com. Well ryan's boogers has been on hiatus just like the coach, but unlike the coach, he hasn't come back. Ryans Boogers has vanished like the elusive loch ness monster a creature of folklore, shrouded in mystery. Ryans boogers whereabouts are now the subject of much speculation in the fields of cryptozoology.
I am doing a report and I had to do a survey for it. It was a bout whether girls who play sports actually do better in school than those who don't. Most of the girls that played sports were pretty smart and had a high average, but they almost all agreed that you could be as dumb as a box of rocks or mentally retarded, play sports, and not be any smarter. Are they high or am I. Also, what do you think? Do girls who play sports smarter? Dear Ernie D Women athletes can be as cunning as the elusive Bigfoot and as fearsome an opponent as the feared chupacabra. But just because women can be just as mysterious as the ancient legend of Nessie does not mean their prowess is necessarily the same when they are no longer on the field or court or whatever. But it might be. I'm sorry, I forgot the question, what were we talking about?
hay coch weez bin wating for u!!!
hey coach it's been 20 months, time to get your shit together or get off the pot. love Florence Montreal
I put both these questions together because they hit at pretty much the same general idea. Coach gone, coach come back. Well ala-kazaam! wish granted.
Oh please coach, help me, help me!! I just cut off my fucking hand with a meat cleaver. Do I seer it off the wound on the stovetop, bandage it, or what? I hope you can get back PDQ. Dear coach hater I guess you don't like me. Okay. That's okay. Not everyone is going to like everything. In fact some people don't even believe some things even exist. Take the loch ness monster for instance. Many people are skeptical that it even exists. Or the african legend of Mokele -Mbembe who also is a creature of ancient legend. But is it real? It's tough to say, you see that's the job of a cryptozoologist to find out.
why do bubbles float? That's a good question. I think it has something to do with gas. Or perhaps pressure. What also makes me wonder though, is what, if anything, is the creature that has been spotted on the pine barrens of New Jersey and nicknamed the Jersey Devil? Eyewitness accounts describe it as a bat winged creature with a horse head. Of course eyewitness accounts are not very good science. Leading writers in the field of cryptozoology have their own thoughts on the Jersey Devil, perhaps someday someone will find a good answer. Until then, the truth remains a mystery remains shrouded in elusion.
Are you fucking dead or what? Last updated March 2003? What kind of shit is this? Did you find a job? I don't mean the 12 oz. curl kind. What gives there sport? Dear bobby taco What happened to the coach that made him take such a long break from answering his emails? I made up a bunch of bullshit at the top of the page if you want to go back and check it. But how about instead I give another lie, I mean answer. The coach quit smoking, but to quit smoking he had to seclude himself in a tibetan monastary. So he joins the monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here." Then after that the coach came back. Sure the story doesn't all add up exactly, but most of my lies don't. Much like certain conflicting accounts of cattle mutilation in Mexico that have been attributed to the insidious chupacabra, fearsome monster of folk tales.
Coach, "You will be ordering 1 large hawaiian and 1 large meat lovers." Then they will say "Why yes, that's totally amazing." "You will be paying by Visa". You will say. "Yes we will, that is incredible". They will say. "Also, your gay thoughts will eventually overpower you and drive you to a secret double life of sodomy, ketamine and Versace, which you will find fits you like a glove. A rubber glove." You say. They will say, "Gee thanks, that really cleared up some stuff I was dealing with. Can I add hot wings to my order?"
lunchtime poll: The Hibagon is the japanese version of a creature much like what we in north america call the sasquatch, or bigfoot. Another name for this creature is the Yeti, a term used to describe a similar legendary animal of the Himalayas. How very.
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