A new batch of questions, and this time it only took me 4 months to answer them.  That's what I call dedication.  

check it out! it's janet jackson!

( * )( )






the FCC


Dear the FCC

I actually didn't watch the superbowl so I didn't see the incredibly well thought out stunt that Latoya and the backstreet boys did.  But I will say the backstreet boy did an amazing amount of backpedaling during the ensuing controversy which seemed a little weaselly.  And believe me, I know weaselly backpedaling. 

Regardless, as bad as of a halftime show as it was, it could have been worse.  The halftime show could have been performed by Reggie Jackson or even worse Avril Lavigne.

I heard you were so tough, you'd eat the boogers out of a dead man's nose and then ask for seconds. Is this true?

Bobby Taco 


Dear Bobby Taco

A lot of people think that just because the coach is so tough that he doesn't have any feelings.  What they don't realize is that yes he does.

The truth is that the coach is as soft and yielding as a beanie baby.

Now then, this email doesn't mention that the dead guy was killed by Bobby Taco, and he killed him just to watch him die.  So who are you gonna believe, me, or the guy who killed Don Knotts?

damn! coach
you plays hard balls! the intention of my jab was merely for the sake of the lives of the readers of dontshakethebaby.com ask the coach queries and these peoples' few precious valuable minutes they choose to invest in both reading and writing the ask the coach message board. when I boasted the possession of seriously recently born boogers I had not reflected on how gathering boogers and updating websites are so very different things, and that my accomplishments are gauged against completely different standards. My utmostly sincere apologies.

"Well, Doctor, kitty hints at infection.
I thought I'd drop by for direction...."
With his thumb in her bum,
Says "Quite right--there is some...
Here sniff, for a closer inspection." 



Ryan in Quebec


Dear Ryan in Quebec

The coach does play hard balls.  You see its impossible to always be nice, just like it is impossible to always be funny.  The opposite is not true however, because for some things it is impossible to ever be funny.  

Those things are; Bob Hope, The King of Queens, and dirty rhymes.

you fucking sellout. once you lose you values you lose everything 


Dear whoever

You got me there.  I would sell out faster than the last ever Metallica concert or the band Metallica.  But I have nothing to sell.  It's not like I have some sort of credibility.  I'm just a boring dork.  

But you can bet your ass if there was a way I could ever sell that out I would do it in a heartbeat.

C oach.... will we ever hear from u again 

love Florence


Dear Florence

Yep.  The coach has decided to answer his emails like he promised, and so he does.  But the people emailing me aren't holding up their end of the bargain.  

You readers should be telling 10 people about this site every single day.  If necessary you may have to quit your job to do this.  So get going.

Dear Coach,

In your opinion, to what extent am I allowed to go when surrounded by paparazzi? I figured I should carry a Swiss Army Knife and then when surrounded pull out the small blade, close my eyes, spin around and say "NOT STOPPING!!!" repetitivly. That way if someone actually does get damaged, its kind of like not really my fault. Also I was wondering what you had to say about Fonda. Thank you for your time and consideration and have a good day.(Or night, whichever it may be for you right now).

Signed, Big Fan of Spookey Ruben and now Strong Bad thanks to your links section.


I imagine that brandishing a knife to get through a crowd, even with a verbal warning, is not a super good idea.  Best case scenario is you accidentally stab a nazi war criminal, but that would be a bit of a fluke since most of them are dead now.  

More likely you will stab an injury lawyer with hemophilia.

coach
its like I try to direct my life in a way i hope will diminsh the possibility of unpleasant situations, when in fact what really happens is that I become even more involved in experiences that give me grief: I hate people I love, love who I hate, drink to escape, escape to drink, etc. And to be cursed with such a last name "just takes the cake."
May be I SHOULD run for office. 
What do you think?

sincerely, fucked 

Dear fucked

Since I don't know your last name I can must guess what last name you were cursed with.  It is probably Hepatitismacdaterape.  I agree that totally sucks.  

So Mr. Hepatitismacdaterape, you have my sympathy.  Maybe change your name to something cool, like Blasto HyperAce.

boogers,

I generally like it when people keep it short.  But I don't get it.

hey coach,
my croctch smells of day old doritos, ranch style. what should i do?

bela lugosi

Dear bela lugosi

I suggest taking your croctch, whatever that is, and putting something on it that smells like the opposite of that smell.  Using the opposite smell should get rid of the smell.

As it happens, the opposite smell of stale doritos is man eating shark eggs.  So you need to get some fresh ones of those.  Here's how.

Man eating sharks for some reason carry their eggs behind their ears, so you need to be quick.  The best way is to confuse them a little but putting blood in the water first.  Now some people will say "Oh my God!  Don't throw blood in the water, that makes them crazy!"  That is true, but only if you use not enough blood, or too much, so use just the right amount.

Once you have the eggs, that should take care of that.

you say there is updates but I can find none. 

Dear person

Well you see the problem is that I sometimes claim things that are true in the future more than they are in the present.  It's a bit confusing but allow me to explain with an example.

When I owe someone money and they ask me for it, what I will say is that I already paid them, which would be true in the future at some point after when I have paid them.  But it is not as true in the present, which is when they asked me.

This technique also applies to all kinds of other things that I need to lie about. 

Dear Coach,

Why can’t Americans drive in the snow? Last year when it snowed every one stayed home from work. As we were new here we thought it was a freak occurrence. But it snowed again this year and people stayed home from work. It turns out it snows every fucking year but people act like it’s some sort of natural disaster instead of buying shovels and windshield scrapers. Why?
Do you think it has any thing to do with the US dollar coin that every refused to use so it went away?

P.S. I miss the coach and other B.D. drinking affiliates.

I think americans can't drive under conditions where they aren't able to go 65 miles an hour and dart though lane changes like angry hornets.  

Its a trade off, on the one hand, no slow drivers.  On the other hand, you need a bulletproof helmet for when you upset someone and they decide you need to be put to death on the asphalt.

I'm not certain if this will get to you because I've only recently learned about cookies and what they may or not prohibit, but what I really want to ask is if you so much like cookies... what kind of cookies do you like?

not Cary McPhee

I don't really like cookies.  But you are probably referring to internet cookies which are sneaky files that web sites use to spy on you, I hate those and this site doesn't use them.

But I see no harm in downloading the following harmless file to your computer.  It is totally harmless wobbler-virus.exe

I think your answers are way better than the coach. you rock booger boy

the finger

Hah!

Little did you know that I, the coach receive all the emails submitted to Ryan's Boogers advice column!  So you actually sent this email to me, the coach, and not to ryan's boogers.  Fate deals the ace to the coach once again!  

The coach 2, Ryan's Boogers 0

if you could travel anywhere in the universe, where would u go?

That's a good question.  There are so many places to go, I mean there's Europe, or the Sun, or Ceti Alpha Six.  

So many places, so much to think about.

I'll tell you what I would do.  If I could go back in time I would go back to 3 months ago and bet someone a billion dollars that Justin Timberlake rips Janet Jackson's breast coverer off at the superbowl.  Then I just sit back and collect my winningsesses.

Although I'm not so sure about time travel.  What if when I return to the present history is all screwed up and my mom and dad never got together and had me?  Then I have to go back in time again and kill Buddy Holly at my parents prom or something.

I think I'll just go to Macdonalds.