While I, the Coach, work on archiving the old questions here are some new ones.  Hooray.  

your site is a rip off of the onion. nice try lame ass.

shut up 


Dear shut up

I guess this site is kind of a rip off the onion.  I do have funny headlines and stuff.  But then again, I think the onion stole headline jokes from National Lampoons or somebody.  Also this site is mainly editorials, while the onion is all satire.  I wouldn't consider that resemblance all that uncanny.

But I guess you're point is that no one should seem similar to the onion.  Good point. 

Now I must go find some calamine lotion to soothe the burn from your blisteringly clever wit.

you sound annoying. that's all. no questions.

shut up already


Dear shut up already

If you think this is annoying you should see me when I've been drinking.  Anyway, nobody is forcing you read this.  If you don't like it you can probably find something more to your liking on perhaps the Dr Phil website.

Also, I will bet a million dollars that your more annoying than me.  Just call it a hunch. 

For God's sake, coach! What the hell happened in Matrix Revolutions? IT SUCKED! What was the point of all the character buildup and investment in new characters in Reloaded if they hardly have any speaking lines or development in the "final" movie? What happened to the metaphysical story line? Did the original writing staff quit over creative difernces or something? Please help! And what the hell REALLY happened to the old oracle? She must have forseen the sucky script and took the blue pill.


Sincerely,


Dear Sincerely

Okay, I will admit the movie didn't exactly blow my mind.  What the other two movies had was freedom to go in all sorts of crazy directions with the story because they were exposition.  But like the movie keeps saying, to the point of drilling it into your face, every beginning has an ending.

The whole point of the third movie was to end it.  The whole movie was a conclusion, from the first scene on it was one big ending.  The reason why it seemed bad was 2 reasons.  Reason 1, I guess I didn't want the story to end so I was sad that it's over.  Reason 2, I didn't like the ending.  Reason 3, I miss trinity already.

dear coach:

Are you or do you know any hard core vegitarians? If so, maybe you could help answer a question that's been bugging me...
what do vegitarians think of carnivorous plants like the venus flytrap? 

Charlie


Dear Carlos

Let's say for arguments sake that you actually care what vegitarians think of venus flytrap's.  Venus Flytrap's aren't mentioned in the handbook or during orientation or the weekly secret meetings.  So it goes without saying they will be killed along with any carnivores whose names start with the letter C, because they got on the list under C for carnivorous plants.

A lot of debate went on about how the killing should start with the A's first, and some argued for starting with the Z's first and working back.  But somehow it wound up being the C's first.  Also it goes by first name for some reason, not last name.

Anyway there's your answer Charlie.

coach:

something needs to be done about my hamburger. I asked for no mayo and they gave me mayo. what gives?


Ronald McDonald

They probably assumed you changed your mind after you asked for no mayo but were too embarrassed to say anything.  A lot of times when people change their mind about whether they want mayo or something on a burger they are too embarrassed to ask to change it.  So it's smart to just assume that's what happened and then add the mayo.  

That's why I always put mayo and tobacco into any food I prepare for people.

july 2003!??? shit, I got boogers newer than that.
thanx coach


ryan in quebec

I received this email a while ago, and when I got it the last time I had replied to an email was in July.  Ryan in Quebec has had to wait some time for his answer.  But as you can see the Coach is now back on the case.  

As well as observing how lazy I am it appears that Ryan in Quebec is also boasting about the freshness of the things he calls boogers?

Boogers?  Wait a minute, I've heard of Ryan's Boogers somewhere before.  I know what that is, that's the name of his email advice column.  Click here and let's check it out.

Hey!  Ryan's Boogers hasn't been updated since June.  Look who's calling who lazy!

Hey Coach! I saw you trying to autofellate yourself in the IGA parking lot. What the shit, dude! I wouldn't have even noticed but you were screaming like a little girl.

You're a sad man.

Dr. Oddgoggles

Dear You're a sad man Dr Oddgoggles

That must not have been me since nothing like that ever happened.  It is possible it was one of the many people who look exactly like me though.  It could have been Colin Farrell, or Josh Hartnett, those guys get mistaken for me all the time since those guys look so much like me.

One time the police even arrested Colin Farrell for something he totally didn't do, but that's a whole other alibi, I mean story. 

hey coach what is a BLOG?

web zine sounds like a disease

Dear web zine sounds like a disease.

Blog is an internet word that is, like every internet word just a lazy abbreviation of other words.  It actually is the words web log, shortened to blog.  Weblog, blog.  It happens all the time on the net b/c its easier 2 type.  U C ppl, w/u www abbrev evrt 2 B qk b/c ppl R TY <<^^ Q@# 5%  F GH Y U Pe 3# + {}} 

:-{  

Fuck you and your retooling. I have no questions for a pud knocker such as yourself.


Mike Zemchek

A while back I took down this page and said I was retooling.  Obviously someone during that time didn't approve of something.  He may be just joking, or he may actually hate me, so I'm gonna respond to this email as such. 

I have a question for you Mike Zemchek, why did you send me this email?

Allow me to speculate.  You don't like this site and what you have read on it and you felt that I needed to hear a fuck you.  Well you're right, I do.  But guess what,

Fuck you.  

Ha.

was up at Coombs the other day, the Goats miss u, now what??? love Florence

I remember the goats at Coombs.   Rumor has it if one of the goats talks to you it can grant you three wishes.

I know what I'd wish for.

1.  My own jumbo jet

2.  Another magic goat that grants wishes

3.  A goat sized barbeque for things that have run out of wishes

Coach,

I recently got a new credit card and was cancelling the point plan on my AMEX, Like and well trained consumer I cashed in my points first for as many GAP gift certificates as they would give me. After the certificates I had 1700 points left over, I asked the guy what I could get for them and he said "nothing, but you can give them to charity!", "sure!" I said, then he asks "feed the children or save the whales?".

I think I said save the whales but his question is the point. You see I was meant to feel guilty no matter what choice I made, for neglecting the other. Tell me coach, what should I do next time; feed the children or save the whales?

guy who hates whale meat in his tuna more than poor kids on the street. 

Don't worry about neglecting anybody.  The real problem here is that you are forced to determine which charity will be a better use of your "points".

Whenever I am faced with a tough choice and weighing the options still comes up inconclusive I rely on good old fashioned ouija boards!

As it happens I have created an online ouija board that you can use to make all your critical life decisions.  Click here

why is the coach such an incredibly lazy bastard?

guy that thinks the coach is an incredibly lazy bastard

I'm not sure what this guy is getting at.  I know he's trying to tell me something but I'm not sure what it is.  If I try to read between the lines I think I get his point. 

Oh, right.  He's gay.