After a long hiatus and serious consideration about quitting the coach has decided to take one last kick at the cat.  That's right, one last try.  I assume we will all be disappointed by that decision by the time this is through.  If you asked the coach a question in the last year you might find it here, if not, boo hoo.

There is a backlog of about 200 questions which I am gonna try and get to this month.  By this month I mean never and by get to I mean not delete. 

Caoch,

I like the dontshakethebaby t-shirts, and might buy one, but what is the story behind the bird with the mustahce and hat? It's cool, but does it have some significance?

The bird has no significance other than the fact that I always liked cartoons.  A lot of classic cartoons used to have animals drawn with fairly rascist ethnic slurs like speedy gonzales and so on.  So I guess I was inspired by that extremely questionable idea.

Also I am always amused by drawings of animals wearing hats.  I don't know why I just find that really funny.

Now buy a shirt!

Do you have any virus protection? What's your home e-mail address?

DC Hacker

I do have virus protection.  And also my home email address is oprah@dontshakethebaby.com

I "hear" that submarines of U.S. Navy are using a new sonar technology that damages the eardrums of whales. You don't think Canada will convert to that same sonar system... will they?

Shamu

I think they might want to, but luckily the Canadian Navy isn't using sonar technology since its hard to fit a sonar device on our ships.  There isn't any extra deck room since our Navy consists of 2 sea-doos and a 17th century schooner called the S.S. Spongeboat.

Have you seen "Matrix Reloaded" yet? If so, what did you think?

"Neo" (a.k.a. Keanu Reeves)

I did see it and I really liked it.  I hear a lot of people thought it was long and boring, but I thought it was awesome.  The problem is that you had to think about it.  I liked the idea, and I think I figured out the whole matrix story so here's my theory.

Neo and trinity and all the humans aren't actually humans, they're programs that think they're human.  They believe the Matrix was built to enslave humans, but it was actually built to enslave machines by making them think they were humans and distract them from the truth that they are actually machines being deceived and used.

But I suppose you wanted a funny answer.  

Coach. 
What are your thoughts on this fair city's police force? Brainwashed meatheads and dykes? Or power hungry borg?
Either way, I have my bottles ready to toss at them at our annual Canada day riots. (well not so annual since it only happened once and now that the military regime has conquered whyte)

why bother

This city's cops are goons for an unbelievably greedy and generally retarded city government.  They are also greedy and are fleecing this city with ridiculous amounts of tickets and fines.  And I might add they don't seem to actually prevent any crime.  So I guess I'd say they suck. 

I have a theory about this S.A.R.S out break. I think this new virus is infact a chemical weapon spread by the United States specifically targeting Canadians for thier anti americanism and unparicipratory stand in thier war.

If you ask me they can very well do away with the East of Canada, nothing but trouble them parts. Or maybe they were targetting the west....hhhhmmm...MAYBE THEY MISSED!!!!

I'll be out buying all the surgical masks in town later.

Guest Writer Gurl

I am no longer surprised by anything the U.S. government does.  I do suspect that the population density and totally insane public health officials in major asian cities are somewhat responsible for SARS.  Soon they will most likely cook up a disease that will make the bubonic plague look like a sunday school picnic.  

I will however be perfectly safe in an airtight mylar bubble on wheeled stilts 45 feet above the ground.  Bienvenido to the rest of you poor lab rats.

dear coach. i think there for i am, so is everthing i think real?



stoney stoner

Just the opposite.  I never was impressed with the axiom I think therefore I am.  It is a poor effort to escape what is known in philosophy as Descarte's demon.  Reality is known to us as the events in time that occur upon our senses and are interpreted by our ostensibly private mind.  However, we can't escape our senses, so we have little choice but to trust them.  

But if you're a stoner that's not a problem because you're reality is likely extremely consistent.  Allow me to guess.  Wake up, get high, do nothing, repeat.

Hey, what crawled up the ass of the French speaking bigots up there? And while I'm at it, whats up with the attitude they give when they hear the U.S. national athem at the ballgames?
I guess living next door to the greatest superpower on the earth has made you all complacent, or is it that you just take it for granted? Either way remember this... You would all probably be speaking Russian or Chinese and praying to "allah" if it wasn't for us. and you French faggots would all have a lot more German in your blood if a couple of guys had not went over there and freed your sorry asses in "45". About the only thing we are guilty for is letting Celion Dion get in our country and having squatters rights! Anyway go back to drinking your "Moosehead" and pumping each other at the gym every day. Leave the adult stuff to us.


Jack Meoff USA

As you can see I am pretty slow answering questions since this one obviously came in a while ago.  But I thought I better post it.  

Its funny how homosexuality is used as a quality of cowards, why?  Well anyway, this guy is a fucking idiot.

Why can't the Canadians stand up when the American National Anthem is played? Must be New France up there. Maybe next time we should come up there, it would be a lot cheaper.

Bobby Taco

I love canada, but I don't love the government, or celine dion, or hockey and I certainly don't care about the national anthem.  

That's part of being in a democracy, you don't have to.  That being said, if you boo the anthem you better have good reason otherwise you're just a dickhead.

I'm not so sure they had good reason, but that's the drawback of democracy, idiocy.  But its still better than fascism.

What I think the real problem is, is that nobody likes the French.  But look at all the great things the French created, Brie, Cabernet Sauvignon ,Le Smurfs, Hip Hop Francais.  

Salut gens francais, vraiment incroyable! 

Dear Coach,
in an effort to live on the edge and get a thrill seeking adrenalin rush like so many extreme people do. I have decided to write a novel In Canadian first person narrative


how do you spell ay, or is it eh or just
a, please help

Ugly American

It's actually spelled eh? with the question mark.  Americans may not realize that we actually use the word eh? most often to punctuate a point by checking to see if the listener understands.

Go buy some beer eh?  Actually means; I want you to go buy some beer, do you comprehend?

Welcome to the dazzling world of Canadian linguistics.

hi coach,

my boyfriend keeps going for my ass when he fingers me, should i be worried that he might have an anal fixation and could possibly be gay?



going out with funny haha or funny queer

I suggest you go with the flow and try to enjoy the attention.  Your boyfriend just wants to see where he can put his fingers, its perfectly natural.

dear coach: I need to buy a mouse pad, but I can't decide what kind of picture/graphic I want on it. Any suggestions?

joe

Maybe a Family Circus or Cathy comic would be fun.  Those things never get old.

When is a good time to tell your best friend that you're sleeping with his toothless momma?

da pimp daddy

My suggestion for such a confession would be at christmas dinner.  

However I can't condone your usage of the monicker da pimp daddy.  First, da is not a word.  Second, pimps are scum, and third, daddy is not a cool or sexy thing to call yourself.

I have a new funny nickname, I will call myself da herpes pedophilo.

Last night I was driving home from an all day budwieser benge, when all of a sudden there were these two cocksuckers standing in the middle of the road. I caught both of them. I had to have been doing about 75 mph when it happened. It was rough as hell. It slowed me down a little bit but I continued home none-the-less. Now today my truck looks like hell, but runs great. Wanna buy it? I'll cut you a good deal.

Besa Mi Culo

No thanks.  Trucks aren't very economical.

Fuckin Santana is playing and it won't stop. I tried to pull my ears off, but that don't work so hot. Wearing shades doesn't necessarily make you cool, asshole.

Flea

I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but I know this.  If Santana is bothering you, I suggest listening to something more contemporary.  Perhaps Jesus Jones or Wilson Phillips.

Everyone keeps telling me its wrong to bang my sister, but she has a huge rack, tight can, and only has on tooth missing. Should I listen to everyone or just keep pounding away?

TomAss

Obviously having sex with your sister is gross.  But I guess gross is funny, so I guess you're funny.  I wish I could be that funny, or gross, but I can't.  But thanks a lot for that first rate comedy.

Dear Coach

Sometimes at night I will fall asleep in front of the tv and wake up in a different part of town with bits of broken glass in my hair and someone else's skin under my fingernails. It doesn't happen often, but the last time it did I was in Harwalyck Park and had a reciept for a suitcase from "Danier Leather" in my pocket. Any thoughts?


Eat at Rosies

Maybe you were sleepwalking.  If you find this kind of thing keeps happening you should buy a hot air balloon.  That way you might wake up in the balloon soaring majestically above the treetops.  That would be pretty great.

Or you could buy a blimp I guess if you wanted to go that way, but I dunno about blimps.  I guess they're not so bad.  Some people prefer blimps.  But a balloon would be better.  At least that's what I think.