5 things that don't amuse me
5. Vegetable juice. I know that some people really like it, like my mom, but I hate it. And she's always trying to get me to drink Clamato or V8. I hate that stuff. Vegetables are bad enough as it is, juicing them just makes them worse. What is up with the whole juicing process going wild anyway? Just because you can juice something doesn't mean you should. Carrot juice? I don't think so. There's a lot of juicing going on out there, juicing things that are better left alone. I don't want to drink cabbage juice, or celery juice, it tastes bad, and its gritty.
4. Maxim. I single out maxim magazine because it has skyrocketed from its humble shitty beginnings to worldwide supermag. It just reads like a date rapists bible. 10 pharmaceuticals you can slip in a chicks drink to help you score.
Any magazine that gives you tips on how to furnish your apartment instantly voids any relevance it could have possibly had. Playboy magazine is another awesome example. Half of the articles in Playboy are so pathetic it actually makes me sad. The only person who could ever gain anything from playboy articles is so totally fucking useless they should just give up. But I do like the letters section in Penthouse, those are awesome.
3. Computers. I know this seems strange coming from a guy with a computer, but they do suck. The internet sucks even more. Let me tell you a story.
In 1996 I was just you're ordinary John. Q. Lawnmower. I liked TV, beer, Fat WreckChords bands and girls, and I thought computers were useless. My parents thought I needed to get into the space age, I wanted them to buy me a new can opener, but whatever. So they spent a bunch of shillings and a few farthings and bought me a pentium.
They might as well have bought me a pile of dead light bulbs or hairbrushes, cause I would be as likely to use those. I didn't really like the computer, but I figured I should at least pretend I used it or it would discourage my parents from buying me other expensive stuff. Well eventually I discovered that using a computer and combined with the internet I could find sexy photos of Cameron Diaz, and other famous ladies. Snowflake becomes blizzard.
4 years later I have my own website, a hard drive packed with pictures of Cameron Diaz and a real hatred for the internet. Why, because its a fucking flea market. corporate crapmerica saw the potential of this collective achievement of nerds and ruined it. I always thought the internet could be a newer, better, library of information and porno. But its actually just a museum of greed. I'm not in this for any money. In fact, if I ever ask for money I hope someone cuts my balls off. Fuck all those swine, I'm sick of being sold to, I don't, never did and never will buy their shitty products. Shove that free trail of America Online up your ass.
2. All forms of music. Music is okay, but people go insane when you tell them you don't like their music. I don't get it. I'd prefer it if no one liked what I listen to. In fact I tell people that I prefer to listen to the beeping of the position beacon on the railroad track. No one can argue with you if you make a case so absurd they have no where to start.
Sometimes I tell people that I think listening to music is a sign of an infirm mind and a lack of imagination. No one likes that. But you know what? Fuck you. Why try to bother people into agreeing with you about something as pointless as music. I assure you that your taste in music sucks, mine does, everyone I knows does. Its a waste of time trying to convince me that your music is good because I will never listen.
1. Improvisational comedy. This is refuge of comics with no real material. If you could assemble a decent act you wouldn't resort to improv comedy. I remember being 10 years old and watching A&E comedy shows. Whenever a comic came on that started working the crowd I felt cheated. Write some jokes you lazy hack! Improv humor helps you cut corners and save time by sucking dick. You know what's never funny, the working the crowd bit. It always goes like this.
Comic: "So where are you from ma'am?"
Audience member: "I'm Mary Van Cockinmyear, a chimpanzee masturbator who collects dead animals frozen to the highway during snowstorms, and I'm from Horsville Pennsylvania"
Comic: "Wow, if I wasn't such a useless hack I would see the million good jokes in that, but instead I'm going to make a joke about your husbands beard."
Audience member: "Actually, there's even a funny story about his beard, as it happens the beard is made of bees"
Comic: "So you're from Pennsylvania, that rhymes with pencil! Ha ha, well it rhymes with the first part of it. Actually it is the first part of the word, boy I suck! Someone kill me!"
Street performers really overwork the improv bit. I hate 99% of street performers. Jugglers and other old school carny types are pretty cool. All the new school lazy ass fucks just do improv comedy and then stick out the hat.
Get a job! No wonder you're a street performer because no one would pay you. Basically their just bums.
next week, 5 things that don't suck.