Dead man found floating in West Edmonton Mall indoor Lagoon dontshakethebaby writer tries variation on waiter, what's that fly doing in my soup? joke, which receives icy reception
I love the news. Since the basis of my jokes is fairly shallow obvious observations about things, the more wacky the news, the more smurfy for me. Dust off your old weekend at bernies jokes because the best thing ever happened.
On the day before christmas eve a man in his 20's was found floating dead in the indoor lagoon, which is a fairly big watery attraction in west edmonton mall. The lagoon has many amusing things, a submarine ride that follows a track around the bottom of the usually corpse-less lagoon. The submarine ride follows this track and what I would describe as the orbit of mindbending boredom. There is also a dolphin tank where dolphins perform incredibly weak stunts for the pint sized offspring of their bipedal sadistic captors. I still find it funny that people think its interesting to capture animals and then force them to do hourly shows. Not only are you a prisoner, but you are ritually humiliated, ha ha.
How could I possibly not be amused by the fact that a dead body was found floating in a mall lagoon, this to me is the convergence of absolutely everything I find funny. I feel sympathy for the family of the guy, and also for him, since dying in your twenties is usually a fate reserved for the lowest forms of human garbage, musicians.
Dying can be tragic, almost every death is something of a loss, and corpses are hilarious! I'm not some kind of snuff video psycho or anything. I think enjoying seeing horrible things happen to people is a reflection of a huge fear of ones own mortality. But corpses are hilarious, zombies, mummies you name it, big laughs.
Weekend At Bernies 2, I will admit was a piece of crap. That movie was so unfunny it was actually amazing. The actors were probably looking at the script, reading their lines and thinking, every single thing I do today will be completely useless.
Even if you're trying to leave your corpse somewhere funny, you could not in a million fucking years ever beat this guy. He found the top place I could ever think of to leave his dead body. I don't even want to try to think of a better place since it would just be me straining to out do what in my opinion is better when its natural anyway.
Malls are ridiculous. What they represent is the transformation of the human species into value shoppers. It is obvious, its more efficient to centralize all the different stores in one megaplex and then you can do all your shopping at once. But is efficiency in shopping really what the human race needs. Yes. That's why I love malls. The bigger the better. The only thing I can't stand is all the people and all the stores.
West Edmonton Mall was built with the emotionally charged awe inspiring concept of being the largest mall in the world. I like that the whole concept was; What's wrong with all the other mall's, what will our edge be? I've got it! Size! And so the worlds greatest eyesore became a sprawling grimy monument to bigness.
The other thing about West Edmonton Mall is that it is a house of death. The rollercoaster, waterpark and now the lagoon have claimed lives. All grim human sacrifices to the insatiable hunger for human souls of the shopping god Bo-he-dzar. Well bon appetit bo-he-dzar because I see we have passed our last milestone towards becoming pure consumers.
Dead bodies or not, I've got to get my shopping done.