The cycle of life amazes me. We ride this fabulous carousel around and around, the world awhirl with color and sound as we sit atop dwarfed wooden sculpted unicorns with frozen snarl-like grins. I never understood that fact about carousels, why the little horsie's or unicorn's faces look so disturbing.
Death, birth, destruction, renewal, it puts me in mind of a classic film called Logan's Run, which if you haven't seen it, rent it, or ask me about it and I'll tell you the whole movie. Its really great, its about one man's troubles dealing with turning 30 in a post apocalyptic futurescape where everyone has to commit suicide at age 30.
So anyway, the cycle of life is echoed in everything. Our parents lack the common sense to use reliable birth control, we're born, and sooner or later most of us make the same orgasmic mistake and the next generation of boring retards waterslides onto earth to annoy me. Pet fish are purchased, the water gets too cold one night, they die. Puppies are born, and according to The Littlest Hobo they lose their families in some strange catastrophe, then they travel the highways improbably aiding different people in their crisises.
But in the human cycle of life there is a big problem. You know what I mean, parking. For some unbelievable reason there is now reserved parking for parents with kids.
Everywhere I go I see the handicapped spaces, which have now doubled in size, and right next to them are spaces with an orange sign that says Reserved For Parents With Little Ones. You must be fucking kidding. Of course I park in them, but that's not enough. One time I went to the mall and pulled into one of these spaces, and this guy was walking past my car and stared at me as he walked past. I got out of my car and stared back. He kept looking away and then looking back and I just stood there glaring.
That's right, I don't have kids but I'll park here anyway, muthafucka say what?
I understand parking for disabled people, they have things tough enough as it is, their mobility is an actual problem. They didn't choose to be messed up unless the broke their spine bunjee jumping or rollerblading in traffic, in which case they don't need a parking pass, they need to be dropped off in the woods with crutches and a whistle. Just kidding.
Having kids is of course a handicap, but its not one you can blame on fate and therefore justify foisting inconvenience on the rest of us for. Okay so you got pregnant and now you have to haul some kid around, well too bad. You chose it. If parking too far from the doors to a mall when you have kids is such a hassle then next time think ahead and get an abortion. Or better yet use one of the many easily available and simple to use pregnancy prevention contraptions, pills, cremes, sprays or whatever.
Who decided parents get good parking? If I could find that guy I would put him in a baby stroller and throw him down a flight of stairs. There's some parking you bastard!
On the topic of parking, I went out for dinner with a lady the other day to a restaurant called Da-De-O's, or something to that effect. She parked her car in a lot that was sort of behind the place, on the corner of Edmonton's Whyte Avenue. The place she parked behind was another restaurant called Continental Treat. We ate some sandwiches and when we went back to her car it was gone. The owner of Continental Treat had her car towed.
What a fucking joke. Who would do that?
I'll tell you who, a total bastard. We had no idea why he even cared since it was 11:00 pm on a Monday and his lot was empty. The guy is just a total asshole. We walked to my house to pick up my car and I drove her to the impound lot which cost her $100 bucks to get her car out of.
If you don't hate tow truck drivers you should. They are fucking scum, they kidnap peoples cars and then imprison them like hostages. Its fucking awful. I talked to the impound lot woman and apparently the guy who owns Continental Treat has some deal with this tow yard where they can tow any car on his lot when he calls and any car at all on the weekends. Basically his parking lot is like a venus flytrap for cars, as soon as you park there a tow truck grabs your car and earns the tow company $100 bucks.
I exchanged words with the woman working at the impound lot about this, since it is a fairly evil scam but she was in favor of it since that money was how she got paid the $6.00 an hour she was pulling in to sit in freezing shack in the middle of nowhere and get yelled at by irate people at 11:00 pm on a monday.
Boycott Continental Treat, never eat there, ever. Tell everyone you know the owner is an asshole and his business deserves to be vanquished to make room for a decent person to start a restaurant there. Boycott Continental Treat! And whatever you do, only park in the reserved for lazy useless parents spaces and never park behind Continental Treat.
Boycott Continental Treat! Vengeance! Vengeance! Or whatever, who cares really.