Where have I been?
I know there has been a pretty chubby lull in the freshness of dontshakethebaby.com editiorials, but I've been working on a side project. It's a book, inked in blood, bound in human skin, in 12 point dactyl or serif font, that is still to be decided. Its called the Encyclopedia Satanica and its subject is a secret.
You know what I like, blowing peoples minds.
I'm surrounded in controversy, I'm more controversial than atheist communist teenage sluts on antidepressants getting free late term government funded abortions by married gay chiropractors in the US Military on an exxon oil platform in an Alaskan Wildlife preserve on Native American treaty land.
I can't help it, I evoke strong reactions from the masses of colorless brain dead nobody morons.
Not too long ago I was ordering a chicken sandwich in the drive thru of a MacDonalds. I'm a radical non conformist, so I asked them to put pickles on the sandwich.
The drive thru woman was shocked. She actually said "Pickles on chicken?"
"Now I've heard everything. I can't believe this. My world is spinning on its end!"
Here's a funny anecdote, I was driving my little mazda last monday, which was my first car and the best car ever. It has $10000000 dollars worth of stickers on it and is super fun to drive. I have slept in that car on many sketchy occasions and eaten about 1000 meals in it. Some dumb motherfucker ran a red light and totalled it, with me in it. So its written off, and I'm bruised but fine, but angry as fuck at the retard who ruined my baby.
The cops in this city are useless. In 2 minutes 20 of them show up to beat down some chump for jaywalking and wise-assing on whyte avenue, but it took them 2 and a half hours to show up to my accident scene. Super. Then this tow truck starts loading up my car, which is fine with me. The car can't get towed till the police measure some skid marks and crap, which takes a while. The tow truck driver then informs me that if he has to wait extra time there's a charge. So I tell him to get lost since I didn't call him and he says don't worry about it.
After 40 minutes the cops are done, I get in the tow truck, we drive off and the driver radios his base to check the time. He tells me it will be an extra $20 for the time he waited. I said "what the fuck, I didn't call you or ask you to load my car, stop right here and unload it". He won't do it but starts to freak and says, "what am I supposed to do?, the police call for a tow, they asked you didn't they?"
I then say, "No they didn't, whatever, you're ripping me off but its too late now. I'm fucking mad."
As the drive continues the guy talks to me about his girlfriend, how he's from a small town, and some insanely racist comments. We drive up to the Japanese mechanic place where I take my car and he says a bunch more horrible racist shit, calling the Japanese "rice pounders" or something. He prefaces his bullshit with the disclaimer "I don't want to sound prejudiced."
Mission accomplished, you don't just sound prejudiced, you sound like a fucking moron.
So my car is fucked, which is shitty. I'm thinking of getting a motorcycle. My friend baggins lent me his van, which is so amazing. Its a giant orange 70's camperized dodge van that gets about 2 feet to the litre(metric) of gas, but its worth it. It has a bed, a kitchen, a super high roof, and a tape deck with a Police double album cassette in it. Baggins is a strange guy and his van is a time capsule from 1982, all his tapes are that era. Like in the movie the shining, the vans time capsule becomes a part of you. When I drive it all I think about is Ronald Reagan and banning cruise missile testing.
So I've been driving around in this van rocking out to "Regatta de Blanc" and checking out the girls, wondering if Billy Crystal can pull off this whole Comedy Relief idea and musing about sunshine, pretty ladies and how do clouds get so fluffy. My car is gone, so long baby, I'll miss you, but I guess my life continues.
So later on I go to the bar and get into an argument with this asshole that I was sort of friends with once . I used to like the guy because he was like me, but now I don't like him for the exact same reason. This guy is an arrogant know it all windbag asshole, just like me, which as it happens is incredibly annoying. But there is one slight difference between us, I am a nice guy, he isn't. I started this website a year ago, all my friends checked it out just to humor me and still do, just to humor me, and I would do the same for them. But not this guy. That's the difference baby cakes, he is too fucking cool to spend 30 seconds to check out his erstwhile friends website.
Luckily I can make fun of him because I know he'll never read this and never know. And as I always say, why confront someone when you can talk shit about them behind their backs instead.
That story wasn't very controversial. But this will be. Say this at your next sunday dinner. "Rich people like Michael Jackson should be allowed to purchase, fuck and eat children." Have fun!