Growing up and being British.
I'm not a particularly great guy, I'm stupid, scared, selfish and really annoying, but at least I'm not a faker.
There has been an alarming trend in my hometown Edmonton Alberta Canada towards faking being British. I can't explain it, I can't understand it, and I won't abide it.
Perfectly normal people are going on little trips overseas for 1 month, and coming back talking like the Earl of Windsor. Who are you kidding?
The most annoying thing is they don't do the fun things, like call people "guv'ner", or say "krikey", just the pretentious things.
I was at my local watering hole and this blockheaded ugly chick wanders in with a skateboard. It kinda bothers me when anyone who obviously doesn't actually like skateboarding carries a skateboard, but whatever. I'm smoking a cigarette talking to a friend of mine and she walks up and says this.
"Could I bum a fag off you?" She says this in an unbelievably poor english accent.
"What did you say?" I reply.
"Could I bum a cigarette?" her accent starts to fade.
"What did you call it?"
"A fag, I didn't mean to offend you."
"Are you British?"
"My parents are from Britain."
At which point she realized she wasn't getting a cigarette and fucked off. Which was smart because I was about 3 seconds away from erupting like a volcano filled with dynamite.
Why does this bother me so much? Because she picked the most irritating country to pretend to be from. If she was pretending to be French or Chinese I would have loved it. The fact is, if your going to be a big faker to impress people, fake something good.
What do we have to thank the English for anyway? Comedies on PBS? Only 3 good things have ever come from Britain, 1. Paul Mcartney (the lead singer of Wings) 2. Beef Wellington 3. The Foxcroft Family (you wouldn't know them, but they are really great).
Thanks to England we have Raves, British Pop music, and that new James Bond who may or may not be British, but I liked a lot more as Remington Steele.
And what about that accent anyway, what if it isn't just that fuckhead chick at the bar who was faking it, what if they're all faking it? How do we know this isn't some big joke for them?
Having british parents doesn't make you british, YOU have to be from britain to be british. This also applies to visiting britain.
So fuck off you limey posers! Get on a plane, fly to britain and while you're there pick up a gun put it in your mouth and pull the trigger, let them deal with the mess they caused.
Why do I care so much about this? Why would anyone? I don't actually, and if I did I'd be pretty stupid. But these people need to know someone out there can tell they're faking. At any second we might call their bluff, and the dealer is holding all the cheddar. Chest height!