I got something in my email a few days back that is so stupid it is funny. It is about being an Albertan and is sadly enough based on the format of a beer commercial about being Canadian. The beer commercial it copied is a guy on a stage who lists off the amazing traits of being a Canadian.
It is tragic people are so desperate for an identity that their hearts will swell with nationalistic pride from the hackneyed marketing rhetoric of a corporation. Sad. If you identify with Canadians because you like the jingoism of a beer commercial you are a fucking moron and you should stop reading this site, right now.
The amazing thing I got in my email was called I AM ALBERTAN. I assume it was meant to be a clever sarcastic comment by an Albertan that we are all dumb. Some guy decided to make a list of all the things about everyone around him that he thinks are stupid, made it into an email and from there it spread like vomit in a hot tub, eventually winding up in my inbox. Luckily the message works for any country since racist ideas have worldwide appeal. I have posted it here for amusement and I have added my own comments about what each line might mean after it. To prevent confusion I have used 2 seperate fonts, 1 for the email, 1 for my remarks. Enjoy!
> I AM ALBERTAN
>
>My name is Bob, and I am Albertan. I assume the
median name for Albertans is Bob.
>
>I am a minority in Vancouver, Banff, and every casino in this country. Presumably
he means that as a white residing in Alberta he is a minority in these
places. The non whites in those places are very probably also residing Albertans or
Canadians. So he is in the majority in the technical definition Albertan.
Interestingly, of the 6 billion people on this planet white honkeys number less
than 1 billion, so actually whitey is a minority globally, which includes Banff,
casino's, and Antarctica.
>
>I was born in 1972, yet I am responsible for some Native's great great
>grandfather who screwed himself out of his land in the 1800's. The
native didn't screw himself, the white man screwed him or killed him for
it. Try to imagine the evil Russians came, took your home and called it
Russianada, you might bear a grudge about that and want it back.
>
>I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
No you don't.
>
>I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a
>seat belt. Seatbelts dramatically reduce
insurance and health care costs. But since its only a $75 fine I suggest
you chance it. Remember to speed.
>
>All the money I make up until mid July must go to paying taxes. Every
adult in nearly every country on Earth pays taxes.
Welcome to society.
>
>I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. The
only explanation is that it must be some sort of conspiracy against Americans,
and you.
>
>These same people cannot name this country's new Territory. Did
you ask them? It's called Nunavut.
>
>Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft Dinner and don't have a
>pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that I've helped purchase a nice
>six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled Chinese refugee. I
suggest becoming a refugee then, it seems to be a better deal. I've never
heard of this policy of buying 6 figure homes exclusively for unskilled Chinese
refugees but how else could the Chinese afford homes? Unless of course
they bought them with their savings, maybe if you save your money you could buy
a pot to piss in.
>
>Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec
>still provides my nation's Prime Ministers. Quebec
held a referendum and the majority were opposed to separation. Also, the
Prime Minister opposes separation and is patriotic.
>
>95% of my nation's international conflicts are over fish. That
isn't true, most of Canada's historical military conflicts were with Americans
trying to invade Canada and we beat them, in fact once we burned down the US
congress.
>
>I'm supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I'm sure
>none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that
>matter. They may not be able to afford a
trip to Africa, airfare is very expensive. A flight from Edmonton to
Lagos, Nigeria is $4100 USD, which equals $6200 Canadian. I suspect the
real problem is that you want to call them nigger, mud person or jungle bunny
and resent having to use a term that gives their heritage any dignity.
>
>I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair.
Make your own booze.
>
>I believe that same tax on gasoline is also fair. Take
the bus.
>
>Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather
>gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don't
>register it. In the interest of law and
order it is reasonable to expect you to know where
you left all your guns lying around. Registering tools of death seems
unfair, but if you want to hide your guns from the police that's all the more
reason why they should be registered.
>
>
>I often badmouth the United States, and then vacation there three times
>a year. You badmouth Alberta and yet you
continue to live here year round.
>
>I'm led to believe that some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes
>$30 an hour is underpaid and therefore must go on strike, but paying $10
>an hour to someone who works 12 hour shifts at forty below on an oil rig
>is fair. Get a job as a broom pusher,
better money, better hours. And believe this, if you're non union you can't
work on a oil rig. Rig workers have a union called the CEP. In fact, you
should probably thank the CEP for making sure a rig job doesn't kill you.
>
>I believe that paying $30 million for 3 stripes (The Voice of Fire) by
>the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this
>country didn't want it, or will ever see it.
Millions of Canadians visit Canada's art galleries
every year. Just because you didn't doesn't mean no one does.
>
>When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what
>I actually make, I say "Oh well, at least we have better health care
>than the Americans". Then I found out I needed an operation and was put
>on a three year waiting list. That's
impossible, there is no
66% taxation bracket. And as far as public healthcare, the waiting list for an operation in the American public
health care system makes 3 years look like a coffee break.
>
>I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry, because
>I control the rain. If we let Canadian
agriculture go bankrupt we have to import all our food with our weak dollar, the
drawback to that is the inevitable bread riots. Ending with the hysterical starving
masses putting
the heads of the wealthy on pikes.
>
>My National Anthem has versions in both official languages, and I don't
>know either of them. Ask
someone, they could sing it for you.
>
>Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest
>military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination
>for fleeing boat people. What does that
mean?
>
>I am not an angry white male. I am an angry broke taxpayer. You are
a moron who blames other people for your hilarious inability to find life
satisfying in a place and time overflowing with opportunities and prosperity, at
least for white males like you anyway.
>
>My name is Bob, and I am Albertan You are
one of a million Albertans.
I'm glad that Bob felt inclined to make his ideas of what is going on around him known to the public. I'm also glad that Bob never bothered to check any facts or seek a deeper explanation for his anger than blaming other races and the institutions that provide his necessities of life.
Bob needs to learn that what we don't need is someone to point the finger at someone else. That's not the solution. Bob blames asians and liberals, I blame Bob, someone blames me, a big fucking circle jerk.
Well I don't blame Bob, he's a moron, but its not his fault. Whose fault is it if the world sucks? Mine, yours and everyone's. We're all in this together, the sooner people figure that out the better.
My name is you, and I am Albertan.