Since I can't be around people too much without getting mad or scared I am kind of a lonely guy and I watch a lot of T.V. Also it's the only thing I can concentrate on for longer than 2 minutes. I have a TV with a lot of channels, most of which offer that humming bland absolution. Then I made the mistake of watching MuchMusic, Canada's MTV and here's what I saw.
Lucy Pearl Mental patient's with frontal lobotomies have scratched out more intelligent sentences in trails of their own feces. The producer who allowed that album onto the shelves should be forced to listen to that entire album played to him by barking dogs and car crash samples fed through a moog. Dammit. I'd rather listen to a MIDI version of The Black Album.
What the hell is going on? I like R&B as much as the next guy, as long the next guy is the pope. But Lucy Pearl have found a new layer of bogglingly insipid crap. It makes me sad to think that their albums will probably be sold next to Wyclef Jean, who unlike them is talented and interesting. Lucy Pearl is an insult to anyone with a cerebellum. Enough said.
Bon jovi He's back, and exactly the same. Pure genius. When people told Bon Jovi to evolve his sound after Slippery When Wet, at least to keep up with the 80's, he was stolidly resolute. "They'll come back around" is what he stubbornly declared. And holy shit, he was right. 20 years of exactly the same song has paid dividends higher than a teenage goth at a Rob Zombie concert. I figure that all the old bon jovi fans had kids. The kids grew up and now like their daft parents listen to the sugary poison bereft of meaning that probably led to their drunken itchy conception in the poison oak patch on the outskirts of a bush party 15 years ago.
Bon Jovi is like sweet and sour pork you buy at the grocery store. It is a near approximation of the gross actual dish, just slightly more rubbery and disgusting. Does anyone wonder how it is that he is not actually aging?
Everclear, the ugliest band in show business. Teenage angst flickered briefly in their market targeting strategy but was quickly eclipsed by bewildered jocks. I don't know what everclear is talking about. I just can't figure it out. Are they miserable? Are they poppy happy fun? The meaning in their music hovers opaquely like Ben Kenobi in Return of the Jedi. Is it blue, is it real, why aren't they dead? Are they a snowboard?
Somehow you can listen to everclear and feel strangely cleansed by it. Like taking a bath in DDT. All the bugs on your skin are gone, but so is your skin. They should try to gain some sort of rock star credibility as troubled artists or something, my advice to the band everclear:
GET BACK ON THE HEROIN!
Len. Oy. This needs no explanation. Like The Bloodhound Gang they can thank the worlds biggest fluke that even teenagers occasionally get bored of The Backstreet Boys but still don't want to listen to anything smart. I figured out how to write a Len song and I'm going to write a Len songwriting program, which will function kind of like Mad Libs. Here's a preview.
Yo ________(noun ending in double-G) the sun is out,
Ya ________ (noun), lets get some ______ (noun) and pick up ______,______(nouns)
I know its stupid, that's my point.
You can put a DJ in any band these days and no one even blinks. It's a standard to have a little scratching at the end of a song. Does it need scratching? Do I need a tail? The answer to both is no.