Well since November has been officially sited as the Random Acts of Cruelness month, I thought I could be some assistance to homies struggling with the concept of being a dick for no apparent reason but to amuse yourself and your friends. You see, the entire purpose of Random Acts of Cruelness is not to make a complete stranger feel worse about themselves, but as the Cruelness is totally random, it is made to you feel better about yourself. Allow me to reiterate via an example.
Once I was working for a company that will remain nameless. The work basically involved going to a person’s house and completely destroying the yard, all in the name of irrigation. Bruce Lee said that water is a very powerful thing and in this case he was right because it indirectly destroyed peoples property, and they would pay for it. Amazing. Anyway, there was a guy who worked for this company who thought he was a practical joker, but most of his jokes consisted of throwing dead birds at you. This guy is also the type of guy who would help himself to your lunch without asking. One day on Random acts of Cruelness month I pissed in a Nestea bottle, put it in plain view and waited for the inevitable. Did he drink it? Hell Yeah. Did I tell him it was piss? Hell no. You see, if I would have told him, it would make him feel bad that he drank piss, when the desired effect was achieved by keeping quiet about it until I was at a safe distance (40 city blocks.)
I have done many Random Acts of Cruelness in my short life. I’ve had a man attacked by bee’s, I’ve thrown boulders into public swimming pools just to make the maintenance man have to dive in and get it, destroyed Hotel rooms in such a manor that the smell would not be noticed until I was long gone. Ive known people who have jacked off in hand soap, and shit in toilet tanks at private parties. But all of this pales in comparison to the king of Random Acts of Cruelness.
The king, and inventor of the Random Acts of Cruelness month was a guy I grew up with, but haven’t seen in years. This guy has done everything you’ve heard before but just thought was urban legend. If you walk away from this article with nothing else, please walk with this; when ordering food at Joey tomatoes, stay away from the ranch dressing. Anyway, this guy was the inventor of such classics as pissing into the air intake valves of an automobile, so when the heater turns on, the air smells like piss. This would be bad enough except for the fact you already have his feces on your hands from the underside of your door handle.
Anyway, the point is this. Its November. Go do something mean. And keep it to yourself.