I was in a Burger King today, and as I walked in through the glass doors, smearing my greasy little palm print on the glass, I was stunned.

Stunned!

"Wholey shit I says", I says.

The place is nuts, its like a Starbucks, wacky art deco furniture, design and the peach walls covered with plastic framed impressionist era prints. At least I think they were impressionist prints, they might have been painted by some burger king hack, who knows, I hate art.  As far as I’m concerned, the only good art is made by accident or by psychos.

Anyway, this whole place was like kooky artsy bohemian place. The art, the asymmetrical floor plan, the warm colors splashed randomly on the tan walls and tiles.

But there is nothing bohemian about it. The location of every atom in that place was planned by actuarial tables and present value calculations. Flow control experts design the lobby to minimize space for human cattle movement, architects and designers fit the tables and chairs in the pastel shoebox of a strip mall. The location and dimensions of the prints on the walls are planned exactly, you could walk into the exact same burger king in Australia or the north pole and inside it would be identical.

All variables are turned into constants. The taste of the food, the shape of the chairs, the IQ of the employees. This is where it gets diabolical. The only variable left is the human factor. With all other things constant in the controlled microverse of a typical burger king the only thing that is subject to variability is the humans.

But that’s changing, studies of consumer behavior and what’s called psychographics in marketing, are changing us stupid humans.  Some of us are studying the rest of us, and we are being quantified, profiled and enumerated to control the inherent chaos of free will.

I am a single mid 20’s white male, I typically buy tons of convenience products, am typically more likely to purchase big ticket items like vehicles and condo’s than mortgage a home.

I am typically a non-impulse buyer who spends 10% percent of my income on housing, 40% on entertainment and luxury items, 30% on food, and 20% on other. I am typically well educated, typically shy away from excessively marketed products, but will likely purchase a few of the trend items each year.

I will probably become more interested in insurance and financial security in the next ten years. Will have 1.2 offsprings for which I will spend on average 10,000 a year on diapers, food, clothes and toys for.

Or will I?

My consumer profile is fraught with one problem. I’m fucking crazy! I won’t ever buy a new car, I won’t ever get life or house insurance, I will steal at least 100,000 dollars from my employer and spend 5 years in prison. I’ll marry three women at once and give half my income to Will Smith for no reason. I’m gonna live on a houseboat, eat a diet of pure meat, and smoke cigarettes imported from china.

Fuck it! Be impossible to profile my friends. Make no sense, buy your groceries at midnight in Chinatown, buy your clothes in amusement parks, buy your music at your friend with a CD burner’s house. I know that totally screws the artist, but I bet they’d do it if they weren’t in a poorly marketed(and therefore good) band themselves.

We can beat these useless hacks who turn burger kings into "slaughterhouse burlesque".