I was talking to my friend who is a computer scientist about the Rhino from spider man and what an outstanding villain he was. The rhino's evil scheme was always the same, crash through the wall at Fort Knox or a train headed to Fort Knox, or leaving Fort Knox, and then steal the gold. Why did he want all the gold, so he could use the gold to make a solid gold statue of himself. So I decided to find out what it would take to make a full size solid gold statue of myself.
The first step was finding out what my volume would be, since the statue would have to be the same exact volume as I am to be my size and shape. I planned on climbing into a bathtub and actually measuring my displacement but luckily I didn't have to thanks to good old fashioned math.
There are a few equations for figuring out your body composition and displacement volume, this siri equation which I read on a nutrition website totally confused me but apparently the average density of non fat in humans is 1.1 g/cc and the average density of fat in humans is 0.9 g/cc. Density, also called specific gravity is a number that compares the weight per volume of any substance with the weight per volume of water, which is 1.0.
I weigh in at 200 pounds or 90.7 kilograms. I have decided to estimate my body fat at 17.5%.
Therefore my fat mass= 17.5%/90.7kg = 15.87 kg
My non fat mass = 82.5%/90.7kg = 74.83 kg
Using the following equation:
Density = Mass / Volume
So Volume = (Total) Density * mass
I then calculate what the volumes are for my fat and my non fat mass according to the density formula and add the 2 volumes to get my total volume of fat and non fat mass.
Total Volume of dontshakethebaby = Fat mass * Fat density( 1.1 ) + Non Fat Mass * Non Fat Density( 0.9 )
I assume this equation will work since it doesn't matter what shape your body is. I could have fins and a a beak and it should still work as long as their density is within the limits, I think.
I'm going to put this in a chart now to show the mass and density and how I got my total volume, just for interest I included my total density approximately.
| Mass | Density | Volume |
| Fat Mass = 15.87 kg | 0.9 g/cc | 14.28 |
| Non Fat Mass = 74.83 kg | 1.1 g/cc | 82.31 |
| Total | fuck it | 96.59 This is my volume |
| Total Density | 96.59 litres / 90.7 kgs = 1.06 g/cc |
So my theoretical volume is 96.59 litres, which means I need a volume of 96.59 litres of gold to make a life sized statue of myself. There is a huge margin of error here because I did not account for the volume of air in my lungs and intestines which has a different specific gravity that bone and blood but fuck it.
The density of gold is 19.32 g/cc. So the mass of gold needed is
19.32 kg/l * 96.59 litres = 1866.11 kilograms
Which is 4114 pounds of gold. There are 16 ounces in a pound, so I need 65,824 ounces of gold to make the statue.
and as of today the price of gold is $268 USD an ounce, you can check the gold price here if you want.
So
$268 dollars and ounce * 65, 824 ounces = $17,640,832
The same equation can be used for anything we know the density of and want to make a statue out of. I also wondered how much a cheese statue of me would cost. We need to know the density of the cheese we want to use which could be hard, but it isn't. Cheese is mostly milk fat, usually over 50% and I think the rest is water. We know fat has a density of 0.9 and water is 1.0 so I'm going to randomly assign cheese a density of 0.95.
0.95kg/l * 96.59 litres = 91.7 kilograms which is really fucking close to my weight anyway, raising the question, am I cheese? But all thoughts of anomolous cheese materialism aside, we need 91.7 kgs of cheese
I like cheddar, which at my corner grocery store where I buy only pop and cigarettes sells cheddar for $1.75 per 100 grams, which I will now on refer to as centigrams, which I think is funny.
917 centigrams * $1.75 / centigram = $1604.75 (cheap)
So there you have it, the price of your life, sort of. I like the fact that if I were made of gold I would be almost $20 million, bling bling.
The next step is how do I get a hold of $20 million in gold. To do this I have several plans.
Plan A: I go into Casino, put $5 on black, when it pays out I'll have $10, repeat 4 million times and I'm done.
Plan B: Move to Yukon, set up a claim, pan for gold, once I have $20 Million worth, quit and move home.
Plan C: Use that 5000 pounds of gold I saw lying around in pile in corner of the garage
Note: A lot of the scientific knowledge used in this amazing piece of journalism was contributed by someone who calls himself baggins. If there are any glaringly wrong things in this you can let me know by emailing me, otherwise I will assume I am correct.