Don’t get me wrong, I love Star Trek. To me, nothing beats sweating out a hangover on a Saturday afternoon with a bloody mary watching Captain Kirk pork green sluts. I think Brian Adams said "baby its not hard to believe were in heaven." But something has been brought to my attention about this that has started to bother me, and that something is the foundation of Christianity.
Stick with me.
Star Trek was a great show. Space, scantly clad space babes with firm space tits, sweaty fat Bill Shatner, space, Spock (who, for someone with no emotions, cried more than anyone else on the show). Brilliant. But here in lies the problem; some people have taken this way too far. They have conventions were Trekies go to meet other dateless losers with no life, where they get together and quote lines from the show, and buy posters that say "All I’ve ever needed to know in life I learned on Star Trek." People who know more about Star Trek than most are guest speakers at these events and the trekies go to these lectures in hope of gaining just a little more insight into the complex mind of James T. Kirk. If you ever wondered how a religion gets its basis you need not look further that Warp One Comic Emporium.
You see, the way I see it, The bible was a series of really good books. They were so good in fact that it the Bible-, which was the sequel to the Torah, became the first book to ever be mass-produced. The bible sat on the top of the Jerusalem Best seller’s list for eons. Everyone read it, most people enjoyed it. Here’s where it gets a little kinky. There were some Israelites that took the love of this book way too far. These people, we’ll call them Christie's, started going to Bible conventions, quoting, what was meant to be fiction with a moral message, and applying it to there everyday life. Soon the annual convention was not enough; the christies started meeting monthly, then weekly. People who knew more about the bible than most headed these weekly meetings and before you know it you have a full blown religion based on a fan club started by dateless losers.
I’m not writing this to slam Christianity. I admit, there is plenty of insight to be found in its pages, for instance book of Gospel 1:15-" and the lord speaketh onto Joseph as he lieth with Mary and said "Slide that bitch Raw Dog." And cometh forth your savior of unplanned pregnancy."
No the problem isn’t Christianity. The problem is that in y3k, our children will have a belief system whose hero/savior figure is an overweight drunk whose prime directive is porking chicks. The book of Spock will be quoted in times of crisis. The book of Scotty will be taught in Sunday school and instead of Christmas, the day will be celebrated when Kirk traveled to the edge of the universe and kills god. (Star Trek 5). I’m scared.
So as always, I offer you some solutions. It seems in the late 90’s it has become campy cool to be a Trekie, and they haven’t been subject to public ridicule as much as they have before. It is your responsibility, for the sake of future generations, to go and find a Trekie and destroy him. Destroy his self esteem so he dosen’t try to breed. Make him ashamed of what he has become, a trekie. Once we deprogram all these future religious leaders we can get back to watching Star Trek the way it was meant to be enjoyed. Hung over, sipping a bloody mary on a Saturday afternoon. Live Long and Prosper you dumb sacks of shit.