Attention K-Mart Shoppers

I am sure everyone is familiar with the concept of Darwinism, or at least the concept of survival of the fittest. I am sure we all, as enlightened self assured sacks of water believe it as well. Unfortunately this concept no longer applies to us as humans. Due to circumstances beyond and within our control we have subjected ourselves to becoming a race of useless fat losers, and believe me I am being complimentary.

I’m not sure when it happened or why, although I do believe it started during the Industrial revolution and thrived when the balance of power shifted to the western democratic countries, bit at some point in time and space, we stopped following the survival of the fittest manifesto and watched as it worked in reverse and as Fat Mike once put, survival of the fattest. Because of highly organized yet highly ineffecient government and the dramatic rise in the use of technology to make our lazy lives easier, Darwinism as a social truth does not apply to us anymore. With every law we pass to make us safer and every gadget we invent to make us lazier, Darwin would turn in his grave, except for the fact that we were to lazy to bury him and catapulted his corpse into the ocean with the rest of those useless scientific layabouts. You heard me.

I first became aware of this state of affairw about 3 years ago while working for this countries biggest employer of reverse Darwinist examples. I will not name this company, but it rhymes with Canadian National Bailroad. One of the first positions I held with this company was sitting in the signal shop waiting for something to break between Wainwright and Jasper. When something did break, I would drive the replacement part out to wherever and give it to the local employee to do with as he/she wished. Well funny thing, the only place that was constantly fucking up was Toefield. The guy who worked there, we’ll call him Dean, was a prime example of reverse Darwinism. Dean was a small lazy man with an annoying voice and a propensity to believe he knew everything when in reality he knew nothing. More importantly he was proud of his ability of doing nothing else but making the lives of the people who surrounded him absolutely miserable. Call it a Napolean complex, call it what you will, Dean was a useless prick.

I’m sure we’ve all met our own Dean’s before. This guy was the prime citation of what I’ve been trying to relate to you, one useless cumshot of a human being whose best features dripped down his leg.  You heard me. (wow!, this guy must have sucked.  The Editor). I basically would have to do this guys job for him in the pouring rain while this bastard sat in the coffee shop with his other inbreed peers. One day while riding in this freak’s work truck out to a job site something horrifying happened. His cell phone rang and he put it on speaker. Here’s a brief abridgement of the conversation.

"Dean speaking."

"Hi honey its me."

I couldn’t believe it. It was a girl, or more appropriately, his wife. I have always taken solace in the fact that at the very least people like Dean would never breed. But that was just unbridled optimism. The truth is that people like Dean are breeding at an alarming rate which raises the more alarming question of, to whom?

The question got answered for me one month later at the company Christmas party. There was Dean, with his morbidly obese wife. Now I know a lot of great fat folk, and she was not one of them. This was the meanest, most unattractive, fat women I have ever had the displeasure of meeting, and she was married to one of the worlds smallest, unintelligent pricks in the world. Then it hits me. These two didn’t even like each other, it was just all they had. They were together because no one else would take them. Worse yet they had children. These children had basically a combination of their parent’s worst traits, Dean’s capacity to make people miserable and Dean’s wife’s unpleasant physical attributes, encompassed with her shark like demeanor. Now this being bad enough, you have to think whose going to want to marry these kids and worse yet, what will their kids be like? While this generational downward spiral played itself out in front of me, I realized that this was not an isolated instance, this scenario is being played out all over the world, hence the fact that K-mart is still in business. Meanwhile attractive intelligent people are slowly going the way of the Mc-BLT. In the 50’s, Richie, Ralph Mouth and Potsie had their pick of the litter, yet our society has degenerated itself into a wasteland of short, fat pricks with chips on their shoulders.

The way I see it there are two options. One, quit breeding ourselves because its not right to bring children into a world that has such a rising population of Deans. The other more drastic option-hunt jerks for sport. You can decide which one you want, as for me, I’ve got a bomb to plant at the local K-Mart.

Sincerely

Brodie Bruce