Few things are as cool as revolution. And by revolution I mean rapid
radical social change spearheaded by a few individuals who build on the
collective consciousness of society and say, “We have had enough!”
In this
country there has been little “rapid change.” Our entire history has been
based on evolution. “Slow change.” This is why we emulate Americans so much.
We find their culture fascinating because their entire history is based on
revolution. It’s true that Americans are loud and arrogant and boorish but you
have to give them credit for not giving a fuck. They will do as they please and
if you get in their way you’re fucked. From the civil rights movement, to
social activism in the sixties, to the founding of their nation, their entire
history has been based on revolution.
Why
has Canada been left out of the revolutions? We watch the American revolutions.
We sit up north and wait to see if they will work. If it does, we slowly make
changes to our own system to match. The American civil rights movement =
Canada’s multicultural policies. The American Revolution = the Constitution
Act of 1982. We are such pussies. We know we are pussies. But we get pissed when
no one in the United States knows anything about Canada. We scream “We are the
largest country in the world! And they know nothing!” “We are their largest
trading partner! And they know nothing.” Well ladies and germs, I’m going to
tell you why they don’t know anything about us. It’s because we’re boring.
They
don’t know anything about us because there is nothing to know. Let me ask you
Canadians something. What’s the capital of Greenland? Clock is ticking. Give
up? I don’t know either, and I don’t care. Just like a guy in New York, the
largest city in a country founded on revolution doesn’t care that we are not
all like Bob and Doug McKenzie and that we don’t live in igloos. So the next
time you start complaining about how stupid Americans are because they think
that Canada is the 51st state, remember this: If you’re not willing
to set a police car on fire, then you’re not worth remembering. Long Live
Louis Riel! Long Live Chief Big Bear! Long Live the FLQ! Long Live the Warriors
of the Oka Reservation! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!