eLoser

This is dontshakethebaby, a project of mine that consumes the part of my free time not spent drinking myself to death.  By way of explaining the existence of this whole giant enterprise, its pretty simple, I like writing, so much so that I do it for no reason other than to do it.  I do realize that writing is pretentious and reading is boring, unless it's me writing and you reading, in which case it is the synthesis of total perfection in the universe. 

I never learned how to type, write, spell or speak in English or any other language, but I don't let that get in the way.  As I see it the words are meaningless and simply give form to the true fruit of human genius as expressable abstract concepts and ideas.  

For example, the phrase cock wild dick chugging asian teens is funny because of ideas.

In conclusion, if you find any spelling or gramatical problems on this site, remember that it was written by a half drunk 25 year old low life who has little to no business writing anything anywhere.  But at least I have confined my writing to only this website and bad cheques. 

p.s.  I love you.

Headlines

New Live Game Show Captures Hearts and Minds of America  The series premiere of DeathRace America! breaks all standing ratings records

Y2K Survival Supplies Disappearing Faster than Common Sense!

New Study Reveals Children Not Actually "The Future"  Apparently the future is mostly old people

Blair Witch Captured, Turns out it was only a Pokemon  Researchers theorize that Loch Ness Monster and Nick Nolte also possibly Pokemon

Child Obesity Now More Common than Air Show Disasters Startling figures of 85-90% obesity lead experts to conclusion crystal meth should be added to National Food Guide as new "Quick energy" food group.

Washington D.C. Citizens Lobby to Rename NBA Team Washington Chalk Outlines Neither the names Bullets nor Wizards really captured the cities spirit

Three Surprising New Freedoms Drafted into Constitution  Furby's granted rights to same sex marriage benefits.  The right to all you can eat for under 10 dollars.   The right to introductory interest rates of 9%.

Handguns Applauded as Alternative to Peaceful Resolution  Comments Area lobby group preferring only to be identified as -blank- Rifle Association.

Meteor Hurtles Towards Texas Confused Texans march in streets yelling at meteor to go back to Mexico

Paul Martin OK's all Banks to Merge New Omnibank offers 1 week for small business to commit suicide with dignity 

Pan America Games Wrap Up in Winnipeg  Local drug dealers fear economic downturn, local immgration authorities fear Cuban Assasin and Mucca Singh might have snuck back into Canada

Jennifer Aniston Marries Brad Pitt  You're dismal life means nothing next to this fascinating piece of hollywood gossip

Japanese Auto Industry Continues to Falter  Apparently Concerns like Quality and Dependability no longer bother American Buyers

Dharma Killed by Greg in Suspicous Off Season Hunting Accident Disappointment builds for the new ABC fall line up

Crack Sales Soaring!  Economic upturn benefits everyone, apparently trickle down economics works!

New Study Reveals Eating Wraps Can Add 15 Years to Your Life  Secret Ingredient Known as Soylent Red is Chock full of Mammal Protiens

Royal Bank earns 600 billion dollars this quarter  A bank representative commented that at this growth rate, the construction of their Death Star should be moving into final stages

Scientists Decode Whale Songs, No One Cares  A team of Navajo code breakers and marine biologists finally decipher whale songs, the songs turn out to be Grateful Dead covers

Windows 2001 offers to make computers easier to use than ever  The new version offers a cable directly to the human nervous system, now all thinking shall be done in binary!

Aliens Visit Man who lives alone in Woods to Probe his Anus Scientists hypothesize aliens learned little to nothing about mankind except for a now complete understanding of weird loners anus

Super-race of Clones Threatens to Enslave Mankind Grateful humans welcome new masters

Buffet World Out of Business, Cities Fat People Expected to Eat Each Other by Midweek

West Edmonton Mall not Y2K Ready Teenagers brains may explode during release from soul crushing monument to oligarchic megamalls worldwide

Wetaskiwan Mayor Promises Round the Clock Bombings of Spruce Grove Automobile Price War Escalates, Surviving Customers Enjoy 1995 Prices on All 1997 Vehicles

Don't be an idiot, write me!
this site blows!

one last thing, this page was created using my coconut and a keyboard that since the day i got it 7 years ago has always had a broken "shift" key on the right side.  that means everytime a sentence begins with a capital letter it caused me a little discomfort since the shift key is how you go from uppercase to lower case, in case you didn't know that.   let me tell you what a pain in the ass it has been these last seven years with this keyboard.  sometimes at night i'll think about what would happen if society just abandoned the whole idea of uppercase letters, that would really help me a lot.   also; all pictures used without permission, since there aren't any.

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