So a few weeks ago I went to a gay bar for the first time. They say there's a first time for everything. I was probably in the minority of people experiencing any kind of first time of any sort which involved that bar. Anyway, no I'm not gay. Neither were a lot of the other people there. There were several of non homo's there which kind of puzzled me a little. To be honest it seems kind of like the straight people are intruding on the hallowed grounds of the legit queers. The gays go to the gay bar to be with people like them and to get away from the breeders. But there is no safe haven, there is no sanctuary! from the heterosexuals. I suppose hetero's have reason to like it there too. It turns out if you play Kylie Minogue and remix Donna Summers to what sounds something like Moby, you're gonna have to board up the doors to keep the hetero's out too!
Live and learn. So anyway the story begins with me out drinking downtown. I'm with my friend, his girlfriend, and her cute friend who was single ... I think, although that doesn't stop me anymore. We are at one bar and everyone is bored except me, and they start looking like they want to wrap things up and head home. I have other plans, I am trying to score with the cute friend, but I just met her an hour ago and if there is any chance of me closing this deal I need more time. I try and keep the party bubble floating by suggesting we go somewhere else. The cute friend says her brother(gay) is downtown at a gay bar nearby. If we go there it might be fun and then she could give her brother a ride home. I think to myself, its friday night, I just assume the queers ride each other home, but hey, what do I know?
So I support the gay bar suggestion and off we go. Just to clarify, I totally support peoples freedom to be whatever they want. I find it increasingly ridiculous that people think homosexuality is something they are being generous by tolerating, as if the homos need to give a shit that halfwits think their choices need to be approved of. A society that wants to oppress a consenting adult's freedoms to do disgusting things to another consenting adult can go fuck itself. I wouldn't let society tell me what to do, why would I think for a second that it should boss around the homos? Other peoples sexual orientation and appetites are none of my business, not to mention super boring. We all deserve all the same rights and dignity and respect and all that shit, etc, and so on.
If you think a gay bar is gross because that's where gay people hook up I got news for you, gays also hook up at the same clubs that we all do. That's right, while you're at the club pretending you like dancing to Usher to impress some girl you just met, who probably gave you a fake name, and will probably become instantly pregnant just because of your bad luck, on the other side of the bar using cues you would never understand two men are probably making their own after the bar plans. And then its peanut butter jelly time! Oh no!
On the topic of sexual orientation, I never give much thought to my own sexual orientation. Its not like I am secure that I am manly, I'm very close to becoming a metrosexual. But the fact is, I spend my every waking second lying and scheming to sneak my way into the panties of every girl breathing. Especially lately, let me tell you, its been a total shit show. Anyway, I'm getting off track. There probably isn't that much for me to say about it really, either you want to and love to lead the cock chugging lifestyle of the gay faggo, or you don't. Is it genetic? Who gives a fuck.
Anyway back to the story, the cute girl wants to go to the gay bar and I could use the extra time. Time will help her to use this incredible opportunity to get to know me, Mr. Wonderful. And I'm thinking, what place gets a girl thinking that men really know how to please a woman sexually better than a gay bar!
So there we are at the gay bar, we're dancing and its all fun, etc. At one point I have to go to the bathroom, and as I find my way there I have no idea what to expect. My mind flips through various unnerving hypothetical floor plans, showers in the middle of the room, mirrors above the urinals, no doors on the stalls, blacklights and disco balls, pads on the floor for kneeling everywhere. Turns out none of that stuff was there, just a crowded dirty bathroom. And a guy passed out in one of the stalls. He is lying flat on the gross floor, his legs are sticking way out from under the stall partition walls. Judging by the length that his legs are stretching out through the puddles on the floor he must be 6 foot 5.
That's a tough night for a guy, passed out on the bathroom floor of a gay bar. Tough night.
So then it's back to the dancing. We're dancing, its fun, but these two tall fat homo's keep kind of crowding in between me and my friends. They are really tall too, both of them are well over 6 feet. Why are all these gays all so tall? What have these guys been eating?... Don't answer that. The big guys keep crowding in between me and the cute girl, which is getting on my nerves. I think they were trying to isolate me from the herd or something, maybe I'm flattering myself, who knows.
Bottom line: a couple of 6 foot 4 gay monkeywrenches are messing up my plan, a plan which is relying on increasing amounts of clever improvisation as it is, and the time is getting really late. Last call already happened and the last song of the night is right around the corner. The beefy cocksuckers move in between me and the girl once again. I am unhappy with this.
Then something magical happens. The song changes and suddenly these two lesbians who were dancing beside me start to kiss right in front of me. If my knowledge of lesbian stereotypes is correct then I would say one was the femme and the other was kind of the jock I guess, but in truth the jock one just looked hot and sporty. And, they were both young and hot. Seeing them make out really lifted my spirits.
You probably think it is obvious, and kind of assinine for me to get turned on by two women kissing, and I admit it is a cliche. Its kind of banal for a man to say he likes to see women together. I pride myself on not being another obvious clone who only goes along with what is popular, especially what is considered sexy. And as far as porn goes I find nothing less interesting than girl girl. Its boring. But it turns out in real life in front of my eyes I like to see hot girls get dirty.
Now, I have also noticed this bi-curious thing is becoming kind of vogue with the bigger sluts I know, and I find that a little sad actually. Maybe you've noticed it too, it seems like bi-sexuality is like trendy right now. I hope this is for a better reason than just because these neurotic girls are acting bisexual because they don't want to be thought of as sexually unadventurous, or something equally ludicrous. I only hope all this experimentation isn't being done to impress someone else, cause that is just sad.
Now then, as for the two lesbians that were kissing on the dance floor, they definitely weren't experimenting. Whenever and wherever that experiment happened, it was a total success. That experiment came back 100% for those girls.
Which leads me to wondering sometimes if at some point in my life a lesbian will try experimenting on the old meat pole again with me. I thought it was going to happen once, but I kind of doubt it really would have gone all the way. Anyway, here's the story of that, you can be the judge.
I went to high school with this girl who I didn't get to know very well, she was friends with a friend of mine. Anyway, lets call her Sadie. We talked occasionally in high school but we didn't really know each other. I remember she was really into sports and I think she was also into massage. In retrospect there may have been some foreshadowing of what was to come even back then. I didn't see Sadie much after high school. One of the last times I saw Sadie was at graduation.
Now then, as a young man in university I worked as a cook at a bar on campus. That bar had live local music play there every saturday. Saturday was a once a week rotation of about 20 unbelievably shitty bands that I tried my hardest to ignore while I cooked chicken wings for drunken frat boys. To ease the pain I ate french fries and chicken fingers with both hands.
One night a band was playing that I had never heard before that was kind of on their way up in the scene. I came out of the kitchen once I heard them start, they were kind of mid tempo female vocal stuff, which as terrible as that sounds, was actually a slight improvement over the awful post-college-country cat stretching shit fest that me and the bartender had suffered through every week before. Anyway, I came out of the kitchen, looked at the stage and there was Sadie in a boys white t shirt, short spiky hair, black leather pants and looking a little like maverick from top gun. She was playing guitar and singing in a band consisting entirely of women dressed like women who were trying to imitate a man's thought process when he gets dressed.
I thought to myself, huh, I guess Sadie's a lesbian. The bass player is kind of cute ....I better not get my hopes up.
I never got the chance to say hello to Sadie that night. I can't remember why exactly, but if I had to guess it would be because I was forced back to the kitchen to cook poutine for some drunk losers and I subsequently got distracted by my invention of the 3 cheese chicken finger and french fry pita in barbeque sauce sauce. I loved to bastardize the pita, I loved to put anything unhealthy in a pita, I fucking hate pitas.
So about 4 more years goes by. During that 4 year span Sadie's band, which I will from now on refer to by the made up name of "Feely Girls" becomes the premiere female(lesbian) folk-rock band in western Canada. Its a small ladder to climb I will admit, but what matters is that they are huge in that scene. So on a random thursday I go to the Black Dog pub to get drunk with a girl who eventually becomes my girlfriend, eventually our story ends in a pretty huge disaster, but that's another story. Anyway "Feely Girls" are doing a live set at the Black Dog and lesbians are packed into the bar like sardines, ahem, excuse me. The bar is full of dykes and for some reason they apparently become super surly when taken out of their natural habitat of women's hockey rinks. They are being really rude, which I don't like.
At one point one of them kind of shoves me to get past me through the crowd of sardines, then later on she forces herself in front of me in the line up to buy drinks. In response to this I say to a girl beside me in line, "What's his problem?" The girl beside me doesn't laugh.
The Feely Girls start to play and for some reason the lesbians become even more surly. I am trying to have a conversation with my guests and ignore the vagina rock, but I keep getting shoved and pushed around by women I outweigh by 80 pounds and it starts to wear on my nerves. The girls I'm with decide to leave after I keep insisting we leave, so we put on our coats and then I say loudly "I've had enough of this clam bake, see you fellas later." Again, no laughs.
So after this another few years go by, and then on some random night I see Sadie again at the same bar. She's just there drinking wine by herself, so I join her. We haven't actually talked since high school but we both remember each other. We talk about her band, they are doing quite well, playing some big festival tours, not the kind of tours I go to mind you, but they are big. In my last conversation with her in high school the fact of her being a lesbian hadn't come up yet. But she was now about as out as you could get, presently being the front man for the flagship of the lesbian musical navy.
I broach the subject by saying "Hey, your bass player is pretty hot, did you hit that?" She laughs. "No."
We talk about other things, she tells me she never slept with a man. The conversation is nice, even slightly flirty. With a pen she starts drawing a heart with an arrow through it on my arm. This intrigues me. I ask her "Sadie, are you hitting on me?" She kind of smiles and looks at my hands, which effectively dodges the question. I begin to wonder "what if?" What if I could be only man she ever slept with, well I mean, my God!
This takedown would have been amazing. It would be the Hope diamond of lesbian conversions. If it happened I could have retired right there. In my mind it would have been like bagging King Kong, or Jaws, which a lot of people don't realize was actually a girl shark.
The conversation continues, we're both drunk. She has a guitar case with her, and a moment comes when she brings it in front of her and she opens it. As that happens I begin to get the feeling she is starting to remember her real life. She knows that where this whole kind of thing goes, and its somewhere she doesn't go for a reason. You see she is a lesbian, and wine or no wine, she is sitting at a bar in a scenario that she has probably acted out before, I'm assuming usually with another lesbian. Or maybe with guys too, I don't know. But I can see the reality of her life reasserting itself in her mind. And at this point I know Kong is going to get away.
Even I know that it is for the better for sure. It's not a good idea, she's a lesbian, sex with a man is not what she wants. To be honest, sex with a lesbian isn't too high on my list either. As funny as it sounded to think that I could brag about it later, its actually a little lame. Isn't it? Honestly, I don't know.
The subject of conversation changed. I don't know what she was thinking, but it was probably about a girl. My thoughts also drifted to girls, and we kind of settled into distracted conversations about nothing in particular.
Which leads me to this, I don't think you can change who you are. Little tests will spring up to highlight for you who that person is, which is great, sure, its fun. And whoever you are, sure you may not be all that consistent, and you probably know way better what you don't want than what you do want, fact is, what you're attracted to is beyond your own strength to control. Sucks, but its true. We all have a type.
And if you happen to be a woman who likes to stomp on men's hearts, I can't wait to meet you.