I think that statement just about sums up my feelings now. There have been numerous times when I have doubted the path that the western (i.e. American) world has found itself on. Tonight I feel we have finally entered the shadow of the valley death. Five billion years of life on earth have brought us the television show “Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire”. For those of you fortunate enough to miss this first sign of the impending apocalypse I will give you a brief run down of this program. A wealthy, lonely man seeks a young, dumb, virile slut to make his materialistic life seem a little less pointless, so he approaches a major TV network with the worst idea since humans decided that fully opposable thumbs were not just for strokin’ it, but for such useless ventures such as smellular phones and flipping the pages of the latest GQ. The idea is that the network holds a beauty pageant that this modern Howard Hughes gets to judge and the winner has to marry him. The best part is that his identity remains a mystery until the end! My problems with this whole arrangement are myriad and mostly a product of my non-millionaire, largely unattractive figure, and poisoned mind, but I believe that they are still valid and should be heard.
First of all, the title is the latest example of the brilliant Hollywood minds that have turned out such classics as Howard the Duck and the “new” Hollywood Squares. Everyone wants to marry a millionaire, especially the empty headed silicone fuelled automatons that spend their entire existence trying to fool men into thinking that their shit doesn’t stink (which seems to be the demographic of both the audience of this program and its contestants).
As for the contestants of this program, one can only imagine what other career and relationship paths that they have staggered down in hopes of finding the American Dream. These are the ladies who voraciously consume anything recommended by Oprah, Cosmo, or Martha Stewart in the hopes that somehow the right man will notice their homemaking and relationship skills and overlook the fact that they would not be able to function in a society where actual knowledge and depth of character determine social status, instead of the present arrangement whereby the dumbest individuals can rise to the top of the social ladder provided they have enough money for liposuction and fake tits. The best part of this is that these girls have voluntarily reduced themselves to the level of a common whore. I know it is a harsh judgement, but they have turned marriage into a purely business venture. Or as my man Marx would describe it is a relationship based on what he called the “cash nexus”, that is, there is no longer any emotional attachment between the two parties to the agreement (like there would be in a “traditional” marriage) there is simply an exchange of money for services (file under “S” for Sausage hiding) without any emotional attachment.
The only thing more pathetic than these contestants is the man who is putting on this pageant of depravity. Here is a man who probably claims to be a valuable and upstanding member of his community, but in reality is simply buying a high priced prostitute. That he would go to such lengths to secure a bride should tell the world how sketchy this guy really is. Anyone who has watched any James Bond movies knows that rich guys naturally attract hot girls like stink to shit. I think it may have something to do with flying around in a blimp plotting world domination via securing nerve gas, gold bouillon, or more blimps. If this guy cannot meet a wife the regular way (strip clubs, Wal-Mart) he must be super duper wacked out.
I am going to end this on a happy note by reminding the reader to have faith in the wavy-gravy concept of “cosmic justice” (I think it has something to do with the fantastic four). Hopefully as the happily married couple has just begun their lavish honeymoon, their blimp will crash into some sort of transmission tower sending their rich, beautiful, holier than thou corpses crashing back to the crappy earth from which they came.