As a kid my parents wouldn't let me eat junk food except as a treat. Cookies were special and we only had pop on the weekend. During the week it was milk and juice. When we got pizza it was the biggest thing in the month. So I thought pizza was the most incredible luxury.
When I moved out of my parents house the things I did changed a lot and at the time it never occurred to me why I did it. I ate junk food and got drunk non stop for about 8 years straight. Everything that I wanted to overdo I overdid. I stayed up all night and tried to bury myself with big mac's, whiskey, and pornography just because I could. I probably only drank juice as an ingredient in an apres breakfast screwdriver. I was always a man that liked to have a good time. And I still do. When I go out to the club I still wanna see y'all shake it like a polaroid picture.
To this day I still occasionally marvel at the lavishness I can entertain for myself as a free man. I can eat McDonalds and pizza every day, stay up as late as I want, drink myself to sleep and spend my whole paycheck on a winter coat. I can do it because I'm the fuckin boss! Being more mature now I only live that way 6 days a week so I have reserved enough money and constitution to snowboard and pay the rent.
But after all of this excitement there is a question I can't answer. What do I want?
I wonder how many other people can't answer that question. At least not answer vaguely.
There is a normal life we are all aware of. Most people work, get married and buy homes which they then fill with babies. Some men prefer to live with other men and spend their money on parties, Donna Summers and exstacy. Some women like to live with other women and spend their money on bad poetry and men's wear. Almost everyone lives different lives but the theme that emerges is the same. The theme is stability. None of this is a great discovery, but I find it all very interesting.
I've only ever given about 25% to living a stable life. I participate in the rat race and sometimes I even feel proud of myself for doing things regularly, but I don't really seem to be getting it all right. My natural inclination is to say fuck authority and refuse to conform to the brainwashed zombie life of following the crowd. However it is laughable how conspicuously often my defiance for the system amounted to never showing up anywhere on time and never paying for things with my own money.
My revolution is for the most part against conformity in the respect that means having my shit together. What is starting to happen is my mini-revolution against that revolution. I quit smoking, I try not to drink as much, I eat good food. To the extent that it is normal to patiently decompose at a dead end job, that is one thing I am doing strictly by the numbers. And to the extent that that's normal I'm looking for a better job. But I still feel like I'm somewhere on the outside of all of it.
I still want to rebel and for that reason the normal life doesn't sit well with me. But setting that feeling aside is part of growing up, and is also super boring. As a note I'm aware I'm not exactly covering new ground in exploring the fascinating trade off between fun and responsibility. But being irresponsible also has an unfun downside to your personal credibility. This results most notably in the draining skepticism of anyone from whom you wish to get a car, money, or a job.
I think about boats. I imagine myself on a sailboat, clipping across the Indian ocean on a clear afternoon. The sea rolls all around me as I lie under the shade of one of the sails listening to Fugazi and occasionally thinking about how I have gone completely insane.
So I have decided not to do that. No sailboat, no insanity. I'll choose the regular life. That life appears to be at least sufficient. Mostly all I really want is a nice girl who loves me and a roof over my head made of solid gold and diamonds. That and and about a million other things.