Work
As a young communist I was adamantly opposed to the whole concept of work. While a young man in college I was exposed to new ideas about work and it opened my eyes. I resented the whole structure of a society that expected me to break my back just to help fatten up some adipose bourgeois criminal. I knew work was nothing more than the tool of oppression of the system put in place by the greatest scoundrels of history, the capitalists! Property is theft! Etc!
Well looking back on all that, another possibility is that I am just lazy. I was also a very poor student and most of the jobs I had were low skill crap jobs that paid badly. It is also true that to date the establishment hasn't done me any favors. But all that commie rhetoric is starting to sound a little flimsy now that I would rather just be rich. Being a socialist in University is natural, being a socialist in reality is about as natural as Pamela Anderson's acting, or her ya-ya bazoongas!
Its fun to resist the establishment when you're young, and I think those attitudes somehow build character. But some parts of the establishment are starting to appeal to me more and more. Like yachts.
Don't get me wrong, I have no intention to sell out and become another self absorbed yuppie buffoon moving to the suburbs and reading Ed Magazine on Saturdays. But I also have no intention of being poor. I want more money! That's right, I want more money!
Which leads me to the problem which I sort of mentioned earlier, I still don't like working. Whether I'm a college socialist or post college greedy capitaliste I still don't like working.
I work pretty hard, but I'm smart enough to find clever ways to slack off when no one is watching, and slack off I scooby dooby doo. I'm not just lazy. I happen to have developed a smarter version of the Jamaican work ethic. That means you work just enough to fund the things you want to do in your spare time. It may shock you to hear that I haven't gotten out of bed before 11:00 a.m. in the last 8 years.
Sound good? Well I'm loving it. Or at least I did. But things change, and I'll get to that later.
Being lazy is always thought of as a personality flaw, which is wrong. Being lazy is another word for being efficient. I conserve my energy. People need energy to function. Are cars with empty gas tanks lazy? Are dead batteries lazy? Is a guy who won't get out of bed before 11:00 a.m. lazy?
Of course not.
You see I need my energy because work is tiring. Not only do you have to do stuff, but you gotta say things to people and hang out somewhere all day. Usually the biggest drain on your energy is your actual work, but the people you work with can amplify that drain. Over my years in the workforce I have had lots of jobs, cook, lawn mower, Chairman of the Atomic Energy Commission, and so on. And here is a list of the the different types of co-workers I have met in those jobs.
the misunderstander Believes they're smart so they always assume they know what you're about to say. They jump to conclusions about what you're saying to them and pretty much never listen. They have their own assumptions about what they think you're telling them so they finish your thoughts and sentences generally ignoring the point. Then they fuck up and have no idea why. They are usually sort of smart but a liability. Since it is actually impossible for them or you to read minds it is hard to guess what they might have guessed about what you were clearly trying to articulate. But they can usually get the job done if given extremely explicit instructions and frequently told not to rely on their own judgment under any circumstances.
the can't understander A not so smart person who with or without explanation is pretty much unable to do anything. They can manage small tasks with a lot of direction, but will generally destroy everything entrusted to them due to their amazing process of incalculable sheer human error. These people come in handy as scapegoats and also as the best candidate for processes that you need to go handicap or destroy altogether.
the there is no me in team Usually a smart person who a long time ago decided they weren't going to get involved in anything that didn't directly benefit them. They get their work done efficiently and can be left alone to do their job, but have one small drawback, they live by law of jungle. Also, if there is a job that requires everyone do a little bit, they never do their part because they don't actually care if it fails. Usually they are fun co-workers and are enjoyable to be around. But when something involving everybody needs to be done they become incredibly frustrating. They also never take seriously the reality that initiative is connected with promotion. The hard part is to try not to watch them languish in the same dead end job forever.
miss boring again Usually a born again christian. May or may not be a good worker, but is entirely undependable since they take their orders from a higher power. Their devout belief is fine, but they tend to be unnecessarily vocal. Speaking with them is a stroll through a conceptual minefield. At any second the conversation will take a sharp and incoherent turn into God which is always inappropriate and generally requires postponing the conversation indefinitely to get away. It's hard to ask them to co-operate because they're usually crazy and more fun to avoid than to speak with. But if you can couch your request as some kind of imperative from the almighty you might be able to make them co-operate.
the martyr Takes on everyone else's jobs, sometimes neglecting their own. They do this not so much out of a work ethic as out of a desire to complain about everything all the time. By burying themselves in work they feel justified to constantly whine about how much work they do compared to everyone else, how hard their job is, how unfair things are, etc into infinity. But they tend to be productive, since that gives them fuel to complain more, so the best thing to do is ignore them and let them do some of your work, which gives them fuel for the true purpose of their lives, to complain.
johnny longbreaks The guy who you never see working. Comes in 2 types, the crafty and the fired. The fired is the guy who is lazy but not too smart. He goofs off and then gets fired as soon as the boss catches on to his lazily made ruse. The crafty johnny longbreaks figures out how to get his job done quick enough to meet the bosses expectations, then goofs around for the rest of the day. The boss likes him because he is productive, everyone else is perpetually suspicious that he is somehow getting special treatment. Becomes a big fat target for busy body jealous co-workers. Fatal flaw is that he will grossly underestimate the harm jealous co-workers can do and grossly over estimate his own intelligence and charisma. Then he gets fired.
suzie can't take the pressure Somehow finds all human activity stressful. Constantly panicking, generally irrational and occasionally very dangerous when inexplicably freaked out like a rat in a corner. Will do the craziest shit you've ever seen to keep their job, which might not be in jeopardy except for the fact that they are always doing nutty stuff. Hard to talk to because they are paranoid and neurotic so they never really listen. In the rare event that they concentrate on their work they are awesome workers because their attention to detail is superhuman.
the corrector A more competitive and slightly more confident version of suzie can't take the pressure. Constantly looking for mistakes and faults in every other coworker as ways to gain an advantage. The faults they think they find are usually their own mistake, making this person a super weapon for wasting everyone's time. Plays a lot of machiavellian games that will boggle your mind with their strategic uselessness. Fending off their blatant or subtle attacks on your work is exhausting since they seem to have an endless reserve of energy. The best way to handle them is to let them take credit for everything they do, which is usually nothing since they are too busy scheming and shit.
dressing up a pig Type of person who needs special credit for doing the tasks that are part of their routine work and are their responsibility. Love awards and commendations and for some bizarre reason are oblivious to the fact that they are doing the exact same shit as all the people around them who aren't constantly asking for recognition. Their minds function in a bizarre envelope where doing the things in their job description in exchange for their paycheck is somehow a monumental personal triumph. Annoying to work with because they ask for recognition of their work when you have done as much or more of the same crap yourself. Best thing to do is to show them up all the time which ideally will over time discourage them.
the worker bee Works hard all day, never causes trouble, never picks fights, uses reason and sound judgment and is generally a perfect co worker. Is entrusted with teamwork and self directed work by the boss with no fear. Everyone likes and respects them but most people take them for granted. For the most part they ask for nothing except fair treatment and room to do their job. The problem is they probably don't like the rest of us, and for good reason. The worker bee is usually about 1% of the staff and sees everyone else as time burglars and buffoons.
So there you have my run down of the different types of coworkers. In the next workplace installment;
Finding common ground and building trust when working with new employees or the Irish.