So christday just passed and I wasn't sure what to expect.  Normally I like christmas because its so ridiculous, all the shopping mania and hypothetical religiousness makes for an amusing trainwreck.  This year I wasn't in the spirit, primarily due to my decreasing amusement with the insanity that surrounds the disney cola holiday.  

My christmas was pretty good other than a period spent on Christmas eve crying alone for complex personal reasons.  On Christmas day 3 generations of my family sat down and watched a 3 Stooges DVD.  We watched it on my parents 57 inch sony rear projection TV which is an abso-fucking-ridiculously good TV.  I wouldn't get one for myself since I'm tired of TV, but man is that thing cool.

I thought watching the 3 Stooges was going to suck, but after the first 10 minutes I was pretty stoked.  It's old jokes, but hitting a guy with a phone booth is form of humor that crosses all boundaries of culture and time.  Not to mention the slapstick sound effects are just plain amazing. 

So as the year refreshes itself I offer my version of the twin hallmarks of lazy journalism, the year in review and predictions for the year to come.  

Memories of 2002

The greatest album of the year:  Caution by Hot Water Music.  A band so amazing I can't believe they exist.  The album resonates with me since they put together lyrics and music that describe exactly the same things that I feel.  It's not very logical to take music too personally since they aren't actually singing about you, but this album is just what the doctor ordered.  

Best Movie:  The Royal Tennebaums.  I don't know if it came out this year, but I saw it this year and it is genius.

Best DVD:  The Three Stooges.  They have a skit where a they sit on each others shoulders and put on a long coat to look like a giant, then they try to walk through a doorway and they all fall over.  Pretty stupid.

Most outstanding achievement:  Strom Thurmond cheating the reaper for another year.  America's living monument to its history of backwards racist policies somehow outlives most of the people that proved him wrong. 

Most Burritos I ate in 1 day: 5.  What a great day.

Most homoerotic moment:  While watching Minority Report I found myself a little attracted to Tom Cruise.  Actually that's a joke.  

The greatest lie told to the public:  Sunny delight is somehow good for kids.  Unless they are mixing that bizarre orange colored syrup with insulin and aquafresh it is probably as good for kids as a glass of chocolate icing.

Worst moment in TV:  Elimidate.  Watching this show is comparable to watching a dog fight in the alley behind a Korean Bodega but without the compassion for the contestants.

Worst dream:  I dreamt I was playing guitar in the band Sum 41 and I liked it.

Predictions for 2003

Someone will discover a distant planet emitting an EM transmission that can only have originated as a deliberate action of intelligent life.  This will surprise the human race with evidence that humans are not in fact the only intelligent life in the universe.  Once decoded the scientists will discover the transmission to be Phil Collin's new album answering the second question of who the fuck actually bought Phil Collin's new album.

John Travolta will be doing an interview with Oprah when a loose stage light will fall tearing off his rubber skin and revealing his solar panels and diodes.  This shocking revelation will surprise almost no one.  The biggest surprise will be when a boy band called 5 clones with 5 members who are all clones of Justin Timberlake battles mecha-John Travolta for dominance of the earth.  I'm not telling you who wins, but it makes no difference since we'll all be too busy slaving in the plasma refineries to notice.

A new year.  Big deal.

It seems like new years is just some day arbitrarily selected to represent the end of one year and the beginning of another.  Nothing but a day we make important by imagining that it is something other than artificial distance we have covered through time.  But it is a distance covered.  One more lap around the sun.  True it doesn't matter where you measure it from, you could start counting on january 1st or april 27 since a year is the same length no matter where you start.  But it is true that you will be back here in one year, and what will you be when you get here, will you be the coolest motherfucker on the planet or the same selfish half assed shithead?  You have 365 days.

So its a new year, and what have you got planned?  A new year seems like a fresh start.  I am reborn, a mighty space baby riding the tides of nebulas marveling at saturn's rings, my translucent pinkish embryonic fingers waving at the ocean of stars.

You can't really be reborn, you are who you are.  But you can change.  You make choices that determine who you are.  So you are in constant flux, a wobbly thing that has the potential to choose its own nature.  Good for you.  What will you choose?  You can choose to make the most of yourself.  But that isn't as simple as it sounds.  In some dumb country music song the cowgirl offers the advice that if you have the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance. 

I agree with the cowgirl, but I must admit that my seize the day rhetoric is getting stale.  So instead I would like to present you with this notion, that seizing the day is less important than not being selfish.  The whole seize the day attitude seems to be generally interpreted as an excuse for someone to act self centered.  It is anchored in the concept that you are so special and amazing that you need to do everything in your power to exalt yourself.  Of course you gain nothing by ignoring opportunities to challenge your fears and try new things, but there are other things in your life besides yourself.  My point is that if all you think about is making every moment of your life matter you ignore a lot of that other shit.  Living your life as if it doesn't affect anyone else is retarded. 

So here's what I am going to try this year.  I am honestly going to try to be a less selfish human being, whenever I can.  I hope I can find the strength to use every opportunity to set a good example for myself and hopefully sleep well knowing that I made choices for some purpose other than the elevation of me.  Maybe you could do the same.  Maybe not, carpe diem.

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